Pep Talk : WWMT NEWSCHANNEL 3

The new definition of Loyalty

November 19th, 2009, 9:11 pm by apepper

So I was reading in the paper yesterday that Bobby Bowden has come out and stated that he wants to coach one more season down at Florida State. Now this topic is of course nationwide news, but down on the panhandle the level of interest in this ongoing saga is roughly akin to the JFK assasination, or that cool new haircut Rachel got in season 2 of “Friends”.

the-rachel1

(Or to put this story in terms that my burgeoning number of High School readers can easily understand, it would be like if Miley Cyrus showed up at the “New Moon” premiere with Taylor Lautner and then sucker punched Taylor Swift down a flight of stairs. I KNOW! How much more can poor little Taylor take? O…M…G!)

Now what interests me most about this situation is the concept of loyalty. On one side is a core group of supporters who believe that Bowden has more than earned the right to - dadgumit - leave whenever he darn well pleases, thanks to his 387 career wins and two National Championships.

On the flip side, there are just as many folks who say “loyalty be damned, what the heck have you done for me lately?” (Last 4 seasons: 28-21)

Now, I honestly don’t know how many things I’ve got going for me in the plus column, but I’ve always thought (when looking into a glass, darkly) that my most worthwhile attribute is loyalty.

For instance, I love the hell out of my college buddies. None of them has ever really asked me for anything of dire importance (a kidney, money, a rock solid alibi, my Pat Benatar albums) but if asked, there is nothing I would deny them (except for my kidney. Turns out I’m not what’s known as a ”viable donor”, ever since my buddy Pryz introduced me to something called “Grey Goose”. Stupid Russians) because of the amazing 20 year friendship I have with all of them. And the same of course holds true for my wonderful extended family.

But in my mind, there is loyalty to your family and friends - which should be unwavering, unimpeachable, unassailable, and other big words that I learned from my “Word of the Day” Toilet paper - and there is loyalty in the business world, which - to me - is a whole different story.

Why you ask? Good question class! Well, my first TV job was in Salisbury, Maryland and I’ll be honest - I’m not even going all T.O. on you here (”I love me some me”) but I kicked some butt in that job.

I spent a year as a videographer, then moved up to News reporter, before finally getting the weekend sports anchor position I had long coveted. I won some awards, I had a very highly rated Sunday night sports show, and behind the scenes (here comes the highly ironic part of this tale) I can’t tell you how many people I encouraged to stay loyal and not bail out on their contracts early (a very common problem during my time there)

So what happened? I got Fired. Canned. Pink-slipped. Sent packing.

At the time, I was working without a contract (They had offered, but I was job hunting) and then a few months later the station brought in a brand new News director who decided to cut our sports department (Mo money, Mo problems) down from 3 to 2, and sadly - I was the only one without a contract - so Andy went buh-bye (I did however retain my vaunted ability to - much like Bo Jackson -speak in the 3rd person. Andy loves doing that)

I was crushed. I had done all the right things, I had worked harder than I ever had at anything, I was blindly loyal to the company, and at the end of the day…it meant nothing.

And you know what? Since that day I have seen the same thing happen time and again in the TV industry. But the truth of the matter is, I’m not biting the hand that feeds me here, because this isn’t a TV issue - this is a real life, everyday occurrence in the business world.

There are teachers, lawyers, chefs, laborers, and fast food employees (So help me god Taco Bell on Westnedge - the next time I stop by for my 4th meal and you short me a chalupa there will be consequences) reading this article who can match any sad sack story I have to offer. Every single day a good, hard working person loses their job because of the almighty dollar.

But sometime later (when I was done sniffling and feeling sorry for myself) I realized something fairly momentous: Employees are no more loyal to their Employers, than Employers are to us. If a teacher gets a higher paying job in a new school system, if a laborer finds a better gig with a different contractor, if a fast food employee gets a new job at a 3 star restaurant, what do we do? We congratulate them. We congratulate them because that person has just taken another step up the ladder. They’ve improved their lot in life, they’re making a bit more money, and they’re one step closer to whatever their ultimate goal is. But you know what we don’t say? We don’t say “Hey Becky, ummm how could you leave Hillbilly Middle School for a job at Richkids High? Didn’t Hillbilly Middle give you your first job? Where is your loyalty?”

And once I had that epiphany, my idea of loyalty changed completely.

At the end of the day (Cliche alert!) I learned that I’ve got to take care of myself first and foremost, and I now understand that whoever is cutting my check is gonna do the same as well. And now that I know the rules of the game, I’m Ok with that.

So to bring this full circle, I now have a completely different view point when it comes to Free Agents that bolt towns for greener pastures, and coaches that do the same. If I’m not gonna skewer a teacher, construction worker, or short order cook for improving their lot in life, then I’m not gonna do it to an athlete or coach. Because the day you stop hitting homers, draining 3’s, or winning games, there’s not gonna be any loyalty based on what you accomplished in years past.
So with all that in mind, what exactly does Bobby Bowden deserve in this situation? Well, in my mind Bobby Bowden deserves another year in Tallahassee because that school was nothing when he arrived, and you don’t just cast aside a man whose gonna go down as one of the Top 3 college coaches of all time (Any my god what could have been! I have never seen a more snakebitten coach with all those “Wide rights”. Bowden easily could have won 2-3 more National Championships if not for all those close calls against that in-state juggernaut known as “The U”) But as we’ve learned, what Bobby Bowden gets - and what he deserves - could very well end up being two different things. Because loyalty means different things to different people.

Alright, I’m gonna try and go to the super speed round here (Prizes are doubled in “Double Jeopardy”, but so are the penalties!) because it’s my day off, and my Tivo is begging me to clear out some shows (There is a nasty rumor going around that “Glee” may have been recorded last night. All I have to say is that I am a journalist, and that I do not comment on spurious rumors, but my god those kids can sing!!! I mean…nothing)

And we’re off…

2. I’ll just say it…Chris Johnson is scary good right now. A few more weeks like this and he’s going #1 in every Fantasy football league in the country next year (Plus that one in Canada)

Speaking of Fantasy Football running backs, how many of you got the shaft courtesy of Maurice Jones-Drew? (Btw…I’m confused, I thought you could only have 3 names if you played women’s tennis? Or if your name is Bob Burnett-Kurie and you used to do the weather at my first station in Salisbury?)

According to ESPN, approximately 10,000 people in their league lost because MJD went all Brian Westbrook and took a knee instead of scoring against the Jets (Truth be told, it was actually Jack Del Rio’s idea) I was actually playing against a guy who had Mo-Jo, and until the Ravens scored a defensive touchdown Monday night, it appeared he was gonna lose because of that play as well. So sad (Hi Jeffrey)

3. Speaking of controversial Week 10 decisions: Bill Belichick should have punted. End of discussion. My man Trent Dilfer was dead on when he blasted “The Hoodie”. As far as that business that (Andy changes inflection to talk like Professor Frink from ”The Simpsons”) ”Stats show that going for it on 4th and 2 from your own 28 actually gives you a better chance to win than punting”…umm. No, they don’t. Let me once again regurgitate an old Benjamin Disraeli quote for you: “There are lies, damned lies, and statistics” That my friends is a ridiculously manipulated statistic.

4. The weekends big event is of course the premiere of “New Moon”.

Now, as I’ve said previously, I love me most everything vampire related. So I - teenage demographic be damned - finally broke and ended up reading the first “Twilight” book.

And I gotta tell you, that Bella girls persistent whining and ever present angst made me want to leap off my 17th floor balcony.

Page 10: “Oh my god, like, I’m clumsy and Edward is so beautiful and I’m stupid and stuff why would he like me?”

Page 110: “Oh my god, like, I’m clumsy and Edward is so beautiful and I’m stupid and stuff why would he like me?”

Page 310: “”Oh my god, like, I’m clumsy and Edward is so beautiful and I’m stupid and stuff why would he like me?”

I am serious when I say that literally almost nothing happens in that book. And what was even worse was they had a chance to rectify that mistake in the movie, where creative license is allowed if not outright endorsed.

But did they inject a little action by having Edward beat the hell out of those townie stalkers who followed Bella? No they didn’t. And even worse, did they stage an epic Matrix-like fight scene at the end between Edward, his steroid taking vampire brother, and that dude who beat up Ryan all the time on the O.C.?

Nope. It was about as riveting and realistically shot as Kevin Bacon dancing around in that abandoned mill in “Footloose”. A couple of roundhouse kicks and then we suddenly cut to Edward telling Bella that psycho-vamp is now being used as kindling. Wheeeee! (I just lost 89 percent of my female readership. Wheeeee!)

And don’t get me started on Edward going all “Ziggy Stardust” (Apologies. Our teen readers should sub the name “Adam Lambert” for “Ziggy Stardust”. I’m told that David Bowie isn’t as big as he used to be with the kids) when appearing in the sunlight.

I have been told by many folks that the subsequent books are much better, but I’m gonna have to take their word for it.

5. Note to Lebron: The only reason you suggested the NBA retire Michael Jordan’s number is because you had a little school girl crush when MJ showed up for your game against the Heat and got all giddy with excitement afterwards. I highly doubt this was an idea you had been mulling for some time. I mean, you’ve been in the league what, 6 years now?

The only number in professional sports that should be retired by all teams is Jackie Robinson’s. Michael Jordan wasn’t Jackie Robinson, in fact you can make the case that MJ was the anti-Robinson in that - despite the hopes and pleas of many - he never used his celebrity, wealth or influence to effect social change (Which would have been tough to do when he was getting tens of millions per year from a company that pays Indonesian kids 19 cents an hour to stitch sneakers they turn around and sell for $129)

I know the NHL retired Gretzky’s number, but Gretzky stats so dwarfed those of every other man to ever pull on a sweater that it was almost impossible not to retire his digits. And despite his greatness, the same statistical dominance is not true of Jordan.

6. Words (that aren’t really words) that I am ok with: ginormous.

Words (that aren’t really words) that I am not ok with: chillaxin’. I think that if you say the word “chillaxin” you should be beaten with a piece of balsa wood for the crime of being a tool.

(In a related story, there is a really annoying girl that works at the convenience store I get my papers from every morning. She’s always incredibly happy and loud, which bothers me on principle - much less at 7 am. So I was in there the other morning and she kept screaming “Fantabulous” to things people would ask her.

Now it was early, I was edgy, and for some reason this made up word just bothered me more than the last two seasons of Nip/Tuck combined, and I had to fight every impulse I had to violate all rules of decorum and scream “FANTABULOUS IS NOT A REAL WORD WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT YOUR GIANT TRAP AND RING UP MY DIET SLICE, US WEEKLY, AND OH HENRY BAR BEFORE I LOSE IT RIGHT HERE IN THE STORE”

Ummm…sorry. There’s a good chance I may be “going away” for a while.

Moving on briskly…

7. I need to get something off my chest: Windows 7 was NOT my idea.

8. As many of you who have read my column “Crazy TV Viewers” (in the “Notes” section of my Facebook page) already know, sometimes it ain’t easy to be on TV (Mostly because they frown at the use of the word “ain’t) because of the e-mails we have to deal with.

This week alone I got a letter ripping our sports department a new one, asking how we can call ourselves “local” when we didn’t even cover one of our high school football teams (Marshall) that just reached the state-semifinals. Ummm…small problem. We actually went and shot all three of the Redhawks playoff games. And the day before I got that, I was sent this crowd pleaser:

“Andy, at least twice tonight, you referred to the Michigan State Spartans as “Sparty”. This started on ESPN in the declining year that was a train wreck for the John L. Smith years at MSU. In fact, it was used by that U of M alum Chris Fowler as a put down for the MSU football program. I find it offensive. I don’t hear you referring to Wisconsin
as Bucky, Ohio State as Brutus, Purdue as Pete, Minnesota as Goldie, etc. They are the Spartans. I had this same issue with your boss, and he assured me that he did not mean anything negative by it and I have not heard him repeat it. I usually enjoy listening to your sports report but do not appreciate what you did tonight”

So I put it to you MSU fans, does this really offend you? I’ve heard - among others - ESPN’s Rece Davis and John Anderson warmly refer to MSU as “Sparty”, and I think it’s done with respect. So I ask…is this a legit complaint? Or is this just some kind of green and white “little brother” type complex?

(Btw…after I wrote this - and before I posted it online - I was reading ESPN the Magazine’s College Hoops issue and they used the phrase “lovable Sparty” while discussing MSU’s chances this year. That was a sign. “Sparty” stays)

9. Random musings: Much to my chagrin, my celebrity crush January Jones bombed on SNL last week. Taylor Swift on the other hand (previous week) crushed her monologue and the first skit she was in (did I mention I’m a bit behind with the Tivo?) I’m psyched to be attending my first Michigan-Ohio State game Saturday, I know I’ve mentioned this, but “Modern Family” continues to blow me away, Stephen King’s “Under The Dome” absolutely rocked (We’re talking vintage King. Dome is goooood. Ask me in 5 years but it may be up there with “The Stand”, “It”, and the hugely underrated “Bag of Bones”) The Browns have scored 5 offensive touchdowns this season, two less than the Saints Defense/Special teams. Twitter (AndyPepper7) is slowly sucking me in, Holiday movies I really want to see: “Avatar”, “The Lovely Bones”, “Sherlock Holmes” (love me some Robert Downey Jr.) and “Brothers” (I am perversely excited that Tobey Maguire is going up against Jake Gyllenhall, the dude who briefly replaced him in “Spider Man”)

I’m going with Jacksonville (home vs Bills) this week in my suicide pool (Just 89 people left in West Michigan!) unless I switch to Dallas (home vs Redskins) Me nervous. I don’t wanna choke.

10. This weeks Irreverent (and only half serious) comment of the week that just may finally get me fired:

So Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams (the very well dressed man on the left!) flipped off some Bills fans last week. Big Deal. If I’m fortunate enough to reach the age of 86 I’m flipping off everyone I see.

(FlashForward to 2055: Our aging hero - shuffling across the street - is spotted by an old friend.

“Hey Andy!”

(Andy - squinting - sees who yelled at him, then smiles and slowly raises middle finger)

“Hey Jim! How the heck are ya? Man it’s great to be 86! Please tell the wife I said hello!)

That’s all for this week folks! Have a fantabulous weekend!

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Men are from Mars…

November 13th, 2009, 1:21 pm by apepper

The Weekly Top 10:

(With a couple of warm leftovers as Andy was unable to meet his self imposed deadline last week. I hate when my job gets in the way of…umm…my job)

1. So what can I say about the now World Champion Yankees that I didn’t say in my last posting? Despite the fact that I am heavily lacking in the attribute known as ”moral fiber”, I am apparently the country’s only Yankees fan who finds it next to impossible to be more than mildly happy that - thanks to their ginormous payroll - the Fightin’ Hideki’s won the series.

In fact, the truth of the matter is, I am more happy that they

didn’t lose - so as to avoid the scorn of a gloating, Yankees hating nation - than I am that they won…which to be frank, is a difficult emotion for me to come to terms with (Note to self…is my therapist still on retainer? Is “crazy” covered under my current health care plan, or do I need to raise my premium?)

Baseball total payroll, 2008 to 2009


Team	2008 payroll	2009 payroll
Yankees	$209,081,577	$201,449,189
Mets	$137,793,376	$149,373,987
Cubs	$118,345,833	$134,809,000
Red Sox	$133,390,035	$121,745,999
Tigers	$137,685,196	$115,085,145
Angels	$119,216,333	$113,709,000
Phillies	$98,269,880	$113,004,046
Astros	$88,930,414	$102,996,414
Dodgers	$118,588,536	$100,414,592
Mariners	$117,666,482	$98,904,166
Braves	$102,365,683	$96,726,166
White Sox	$121,189,332	$96,068,500
Giants	$76,594,500	$82,616,450
Indians	$78,970,066	$81,579,166
Blue Jays	$97,793,900	$80,538,300
Brewers	$80,937,499	$80,182,502
Cardinals	$99,624,449	$77,605,109
Rockies	$68,655,500	$75,201,000
Reds	$74,117,695	$73,558,500
Diamondbacks	$66,202,712	$73,516,666
Royals	$58,245,500	$70,519,333
Rangers	$67,712,326	$68,178,798
Orioles	$67,196,246	$67,101,666
Twins	$56,932,766	$65,299,266
Rays	$43,820,597	$63,313,034
Athletics	$47,967,126	$62,310,000
Nationals	$54,961,000	$60,328,000
Pirates	$48,689,783	$48,693,000
Padres	$73,677,616	$43,734,200
Marlins	$21,811,500	$36,834,000

2. Speaking of cash money: As you may well have heard - the economy ain’t exactly all that good right now in Michigan - which of course affects just how much money the small market Tigers (who amazingly have been whipping out the Discover Card just about as much as their big market brethren) are able to shell out.

But to his credit, Tigers owner Mike Illitch - knowing just how much the success of the team means to the good folks of the Great Lakes state - refused to slash payroll last season. But apparently even Ilitch can only take so much red ink, with word surfacing yesterday that 29 year old All-Star (and huge fan favorite) Curtis Granderson is being made available to gasp…the Yankees (among others)

http://www.freep.com/article/20091112/BLOG18/91112021/Buzz-has-Granderson-going-to-Yankees-or-Cubs

3. Ok, time for our weekly divergence into the world of Pop Culture. I gotta tell you, thanks to missing last weeks column…I got waaaaaay too much stuff to talk about.

In no particular order:

A) I can’t tell you how pumped I am that Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are co-hosting the Oscars this year. I absolutely loved Martin when he last hosted (”You know there’s a lot of talk about how movies are much too violent. So I took a 10 year old boy to see “Gladiator”. And you know what? He cried and cried the whole movie. And then I realized…it’s because he had no idea who I was”) and Baldwin is flat out one of the great comedic actors there is (Two words for you: Schwetty Balls)

You wanna know what I’m not psyched about? Doubling the number of Best Picture nominees to 10 in the vain hopes that 1 or 2 craptastic pieces of crowd pleasing fare make the cut, so as to boost the ratings. Let me make this clear: there’s a place for movies like “Transformers” to be honored. It’s called the “MTV Movie Awards”.

(I just watched “Transformers 2″ the other night, and I would pay good money to get that 2 plus hours of my life back. And btw…who handled the audio in those movies? Raise your hands if you could hear/understand/comprehend the dialogue in that film? That’s what I thought. And while I’m rolling…I’m only a partial movie snob (According to my therapist I have committment issues) I have always made it a point to watch at least 3-4 of the 5 BP nominees before the actual ceremony, but truth be told…I also love me some well done summer popcorn movies.

“Armageddon” is perhaps my favorite wildly implausible, yet totally engrossing piece of crap movie ever. Tell me you didn’t tear up when Bruce Willis shoves animal cracker boy back in the tube and tells him to take care of Steven Tyler’s daughter, and to give his patch to that Slingblade dude who used to let Brad Pitt’s current wife wear his blood in a vial on her neck. Tell me you didn’t cry, I dare you)

B) Anyone still watch Nip/Tuck? What the heck did Rose McGowan do to her face? She’s only 36 - and looked absolutely gorgeous in “Grindhouse” a couple years ago (not to mention on the cover of Rolling Stone to promote that very movie) but yet chose to have plastic surgery? She looks scarier than Jerry Jones did after his stretch and tug. On the flip side…I just saw the new “Melrose” promos, and how great does Heather Locklear look?!? Is she Dick Clark’s daughter or what? That woman doesn’t age.

I hate (Andy snickers) people like that!

C) Speaking of cosmetic changes, this just in: Sammy Sosa is now umm…white. Seriously, he went full MJ with the skin whitening. Do with that what you will.(If I get started on Sammy and the steroids and the corked bat and his “I forgot how to speak English when appearing in front of Congress” bit, I’ll lose it. Although to be fair, I loved him in “White Chicks”)

4. Weird factoid of the week. The Vikings/Packers game 2 weeks ago was the first ever 38-26 final in the history of the NFL (Who keeps track of this stuff? The guys from “Big Bang Theory”?) This news comes on the heels of last years Chargers/Steelers matchup which ended up being the first 11-10 final ever.

According to the stat dorks (this coming from the guy who has two 3 ring binders of hand written records covering the entire 18 years of his Fantasy Football league) at Pro-Football-Reference. com, the next “never been done” score on their radar is 42-16.

(Btw…random thought…does anyone hold “33″ pools anymore? You know…the game where you throw in “X” amount of dollars with buddies, and then randomly get assigned a different NFL team each week. If your assigned team scores exactly 33 points, you win the pot. We used to play at my old golf course. It was fairly infrequent that anyone won, so the pot would frequently roll over, which meant that every 4-6 weeks or so someone would win a big ole’ chunk of change.

And speaking of gambling, I’m participating in the “Pigskin Picks” contest (straight winners of each NFL game) on our station website. My success with the picks has been so-so, but I am psyched to be - after 9 weeks - still alive in the “Suicide Pool” (You pick one team to win each week. If that team loses, you go bye-bye. If you win, you stay alive another week but can’t pick that team again the rest of the season) My pick this week?

I’ll give you a hint, it’s frickin’ cold there, it’s got a ton of lakes, Prince is from there, it has the only facility ever to host a Super Bowl, World Series, and a Final Four, it’s home to the worldest largest ball of twine, and it’s football team is the Vikings. Other than that, you’re on your own.

5. So one of our FM stations just converted to ESPN radio, which means I finally get to listen to someone other than the dudes on Fox, which as you know from last week’s Jim Rome diatribe - makes me all happy happy joy joy.

I gotta say, I’ve been enjoying me some Scott Van Pelt. That guy is razor sharp, incredibly knowledgeable, and just makes a whole lot of sense every time he talks.

I’m also diggin’ Colin Cowherd who stylistically may not be everyones cup of tea (a subject I know a bit about ;) but is clearly a very, very bright guy (And oh yeah, I think a shout out is deserved for the highly entertaining and informative Steve Czaban, doing his thing bright and early on Fox)

I’ve talked to more than a few guys who think they can do that job, based solely on the fact that they watch a few games a week, catch ESPN nightly, and once hit a three pointer in High School. But the fact is umm…no. They can’t. Not even close.

It’s hard to even quantify the staggering amount of knowledge you need to have stuffed in your noggin if you want to host a national radio show. Now you know me, I hate to brag (snickering once again) but I can tell you that I’ve got a few facts floatin’ around my noggin. I read three papers daily, I go online several times a day, and I’ve been a voracious reader of sports related books and materials (hence my abilities to drop words like ”voracious”) since I was about 8, and yet sometimes…these guys make me feel uhh…what’s the word? Oh yeah…stupid.

Most serious sports fans can talk fairly authoritively about the 3 major team sports (most seem to lack when it comes to hockey) along with golf and tennis, but the top notch radio jocks can rap - on a dime - about some serious minutia…anything from horse racing, to the Hartford Whalers, to the “Hand of God” (I actually knew that one. Gold star for Peppy) Hobie Baker, Hank Greenberg, Hayden Fry, Hofstra, and Hagler vs Hearns (I like alliteration. It’s shiny)

That fountain of knowledge is not just impressive, frankly - it’s also somewhat emasculating considering that I would like to one day dip my toe into the sports talk pool (”He’s not a member grandma, heeeeee’s a caddy”)

6. Other Pop cultural related things that I really liked/noticed this week:

A. That Miller Lite commercial spoofing E-Harmony. I actually thought it was a dating commercial the first time I saw it (And speaking of commercials, me also likey the Toshiba one where the girl knows nothing about football, and then 3 weeks later is a genius and starts mocking her bf for his lack of knowledge. Of course, I’m so odd I want to own every “This is Sports Center” commercial ever shot on DVD. “The gate is narrow”)

B. I saw “Paranormal” recently. Spooky stuff! I was so scared I dropped Hershey Bars in my jeans at the end (Let’s pretend I didn’t admit that. Ear muffs!)

C. Sordid confession: I’ve actually been thinking about watching Fox’s “Glee” because of all the glowing reviews/positive feedback that have come my way (Let’s also pretend I didn’t say that) The problem is I’m afraid I’ll have to turn in my man-card at the nearest man-depot if I get caught with it on the Tivo (Ummm…I was uhh…holding it for a friend?)

D. So, I was doing a little channel surfing last week and saw the breathtaking Ivanka Trump on Campbell Brown (No point really. I just wanted to give the illusion that I’m smart and watch CNN. Plus I’m a dude.)

I then flipped back to MNF and saw the very beautiful wife of Tony Gonzalez (October Gonzalez) in a halftime feature, which got me thinking: just how many beautiful women are named after months of the year, and if I could come up with one for each month, perhaps there could be a corresponding calendar?

(Yes, these are things I ponder. And you wonder why it takes me 3 days to write one of these columns. One minute I’m happily writing, the next I have a stupid thought like that and I’m googling away for nearly 2 hours, trying to find a famous woman named “December”)

I mean, just last week I was raving about January Jones (who is hosting SNL this week) and now all of a sudden I see a woman named “October” on television? This is fate people. I’ve just found my next project. (Sadly this means I’m gonna have to table - for the time being - my groundbreaking work on the first ever emotional Ponzi scheme)

7. Now that I have proven myself to be…what’s the clinical term? Oh yeah…a “pig” (or as some call it…”male”) by extolling the virtues of the aforementioned women based solely on their physical beauty, let me take dead aim at a couple of other provocative “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” topics.

I just read about the divorce of CBS announcer Jim Nantz (”Hello, friends”) from his wife of 26 years.

It seems that Nantz (who I should point out didn’t cheat on, or abuse his wife in any manner) must pay his wife $72,000 in monthly alimony until she remarries or he dies. Seriously? Until she remarries? (Different inflection) Seriously?

(Now before I go any further, I want to be completely honest and tell you that - by and large - this isn’t a man/woman issue for me. I once watched some program on celebrity divorces, and was incensed when I saw what a prominent morning newswoman - my memory is shaky here, Jane Pauley maybe? - had to pay her dead beat husband after divorcing)

The reason this bothers me so much is that divorce laws are in many ways ( in my humble opinion) incredibly archaic. Why exactly is any woman (or man for that matter) who marries into money entitled to live la vida loca the rest of her life on their spouses dime? You want to divide assets fairly? Absolutely. I’m on board. Child support. Of course! But why is the man expected to support the woman until she remarries (and in the exact - Re: lavish - manner she grew accustomed to during the marriage?) What the law is essentially saying with that stipulation is that a woman can’t take care of herself. Because that was the case when many of these divorce laws were passed.

(Editors note: Ummm…Andy…gettin’ a little concerned here. What’s your point?

AP: Well, this is (largely) a sports column, right?

Editor: Yes…

AP: Well, I’m uhh…discussing the battle of the sexes. Is that not a sport? I’m umm…gonna bring this all full circle to that whole blowup between Terrell Owens and Joanna Krupa this summer on “Battle of the Stars”. I might even include Gloria Gaynor in this discussion, and talk about why women lose their stuff and start bawling and hugging each other everytime her song “I will survive” plays at a bar.

Editor: (Deep sigh. Long pause. Great hesitation) I’ll allow it.

AP: (Plowing on with no intention of complying with previous lie, I mean minor falsehood)

But as we all know, that is complete and utter bull! Women don’t need taken care of by the big, strong man. This is a different age. This is 2009, not 1909. Women not only vote, they run for President (and nearly win) they run companies, they buy homes, they adopt - and raise - babies all on their own. They are women, hear them roar. Women today are every bit the equals of men (except in the highly competitive fields of you know…weight lifting and stand up comedy)

Alright, this brings me to the expectations of dating. Why exactly are men expected to open doors and pay for everything? Answer: Because of the long standing laws of chivalry. But when were those laws formulated? Umm….medieval times. A time when - correct me if I’m wrong - women didn’t have jobs, didn’t run 4 1/2 minute miles, didn’t finance a Volkswagon Passat all by their lonesome, didn’t anchor the network news (to be fair though, tv reception was spotty at best in those days. And you could only watch so much jousting, moat jumping, and gauntlet running before getting bored) and didn’t have to wear actual, real chastity belts.

So I guess my altogether innocent - but very valid - question is, why have these traditions survived when the conditions in which they were established have altogether vanished?

Now, don’t get me wrong - when I meet a great girl and I get the butterflies in the stomach - I want to open doors, I want to take her out, and I want to pay (No supersizing. Dessert extra) I think the rest of my single men (if she likes it, she can put a ring on it) would agree with me on that point.

But what drives guys nutso is when girls abuse that expectation. I mean, I read in the “Guy Handbook” that a great rite of passage for women is that magical day when Mom teaches her teenage girl how to - when the bill comes at the conclusion of a dinner date - appear as convincing as Meryl Streep as she pretends to reach into her purse for her wallet (even though

all she has in said oversized purse is lip gloss, a cell phone, and a can of hair spray) while offering to pay for her half of dinner on Date #6 (Editors note: Andy is saying this with a smile. Just in case some nice ladies don’t understand the concept of dry humor or mock outrage, and feel the need to write one of those e-mails that often nearly get him fired. God I hope he gets fired)

And don’t get me started on girls who hustle drinks at the bars.

(Editors note: I want to stop him, I do, but as I just said…)

Andy really wants to have a beautiful daughter someday, but if I find out that little December Charlize Pepper is asking guys to buy her drinks, I will blow…like…Vesuvius (Seriously ladies, I know that men aren’t exactly a box of chocolates - and I will gladly take return fire on our many pathetic shortcomings - but for my money, asking a guy to buy you a drink is the quickest way to show that you’re not gonna be meeting the parents. I was out with an ex recently, when her sister - who has never bothered to ask me word one about myself - actually asked me if I wanted to buy her and her friend - who I had never met - a drink (Mixed drinks of course! Wow, didn’t see that one coming) Suuuuuuure! Let me get right on that! (I should now point out that the benefit of having less than 40 regular readers is that I also have very few parameters. God I hope I have a job tomorrow)

8. Today’s ESPN online poll question: Tom Brady or Peyton Manning? Who would you take? Hands down, I’ll take Brady. Why? Because while Manning may be the best there is in what I’ll call - for lack of a much better term - a ”controlled situation” (No real pressure, his wide receivers running extremely precise routs, the defense showing exactly what they showed on film) he’s not exactly fabled for handling a great pass rush, or for his 4th quarter comebacks (despite what one online column I found asserts: http://www.pro-football-reference.com/blog/?p=3401 )

Brady is Joe Cool in the clutch, particulary in the postseason. Just off the top of my head there was the snowy comeback against the Raiders in “the tuck rule” game, and not one, two, but three memorable 4th quarter drives in the Super Bowl. The first two led to wins over the Rams and Panthers, and the late drive against the G-men (TD pass to Moss) would have won the game as well if not for that incredible (but altogether fluky) play involving helmet boy David Tyree. Case closed. I need to be on “Sports Nation”.

9-10. (Yeah, I’m way too long as usual…here’s a hodge-podge of random thoughts - presented in blurb form - that caught my eye)

Good to see Mike Tyson is back…in custody (”Papa…Papa-razzi!)

As bad as things are for Rich Rod at Michigan, they could be…so…much…worse.

Michigan’s 5 victories are against 1-AA Delaware St. (enough said) 4-6 Western Michigan, Notre Dame (Terrible 4th quarter clock management by Weis) Eastern Michigan (0-10) and Indiana (very questionable turnover call goes U of M’s way late in 4th) Martina and Marat Safin need to shut it about Agassi’s drug confession (it was cathartic, not a cash grab) Is the Sprint Cup season over yet? (36 races? February to November? Seriously?? On purpose?)

Stephen King is back in a big way (more on that next week) My god the Celtics - even minus Big Baby right now - look really good, my Fantasy Football team is startin’ to rock (which means life is really good with me) now all I need is a woman (I’m single by the way. Just got broken up with in a text. Is that better or worse than a Post-It? Just curious. No worries, I’ll get by. Thank you Gloria Gaynor!) that will let me name my future daughters “February” and “December”. Seems reasonable to me!

(Editors note: I just checked. Good news…”crazy” IS in fact covered under our current plan)

Gotta run! I’m gonna go grab a Miller Lite and check E-Harmony for potential mates!

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January, my favorite month of the year

October 29th, 2009, 10:19 pm by apepper

Apologies faithful readers (41 strong and counting! Take that “Mom”. If that’s your real name) I was unable to complete my Friday column last week, but for once I have an excuse that doesn’t have something to do with a homework chewing dog or an ummm…probe loving alien (Call me! I better hear from you on Valentine’s Day!)

That’s because on Thursday (my normal writing night) I actually did something useful with my life and hosted a wonderful charity outing for the March of Dimes. So take that school guidance counselor! Your tepid assessment of my future prospects (His recommendation: Fire watcher) was clearly only 94 percent correct.

To the Top Ten:

1. So the Yankees are back in the World Series - and as most of you know - I am a lifelong Yanks fan (Although in my defense, I started rooting for them as a young lad, long before I knew they were evil)

And I want to be psyched about this…I really do. But the fact is, I just…can’t….seem…to…do…it.

The truth is, I seem to be one of the very few Yankees fans who can’t get past the fact the financial deck is so ridiculously stacked in the teams favor. I mean New York spent $443 million in the offseason! Four hundred…and forty three…million…dollars.

What did they buy? Did they pluck General Motors from the bargain bin? No, they spent that money on 3 players. Three! The Pittsburgh Pirates won’t spend that amount on their ENTIRE roster for the next 8-9 years.

Back in 1996 I was through the roof excited about the Yankees World Series appearance, beacuse they hadn’t been in a Series since ‘81, and hadn’t won since ‘78 (My god Cubs and Indians fans must want to jam a screwdriver in my neck for complaining about that 18 year “drought”)

Did the Yanks spend a lot of money then? Absolutely. But the disparity at that point between the Yanks and the other teams was nowheres near the (Yes Network funded) chasm it is now.

Plus that team was easy to love because it was homegrown. Jeter, Rivera, Posada, and Pettite were just making their mark. And the Yanks two biggest stars (Tino and Paul O’Neill) came to NY not as Free Agents, but as a result of shrewd trades in which the team gave up other homegrown talent to acquire them.

It was a club filled with wonderful supporting talent and role players. Guys who would never sniff an All-Star game (Jim Leyritz, Charlie Hayes, and current skipper Joe Girardi)

But all that has changed. Now the Yankees feel compelled to have an All-Star at every position. I still remember when my Dad angrily called Tommy John a “pay toilet” back in 1979 after the lefty turned his back on the Dodgers to sign with the Yanks as a free agent. I understand now what I didn’t then: the helplessness and anger the average fan feels at the fact the Yanks don’t need to develop players, and they don’t need to be prudent with their resources. Because it’s just money, and they’ve got more than your team will ever have.

2. Hard to believe, but it’s been 20 years since “Say Anything” came out (”I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen”. “Joe Lies”)

Could any of us have possibly been aware that Lloyd Dobler holding up his Boom box would become perhaps the most iconic movie image of the last two decades? (Although Leo doing his “King of the World” bit is probably right up there on that list, and (Andy thinking furiously) going back even further…ummm…Marilyn Monroe’s skirt blowing up while standing over the subway grate in “Seven Year Itch”, or Dustin Hoffman being framed by Anne Bancroft’s stockinged leg in “The Graduate” both also come to mind)

And by the way…Lloyd was right. Kickboxing was the sport of the future. (Although I believe the kids call it “Mixed Martial Arts” these days)

3. So I was catching up on some old SI’s this week, and I read Selena Roberts (the reporter who broke the A-Rod steroid story) back page column (”Tiger, Tiger, Burning out?) that once again raised the question of whether or not Tiger is gonna best Jack’s mark of 19 majors.

Let me be crystal clear (as opposed to ummm….crystal meth, which we’ll get to shortly)without any setbacks to his surgically repaired knee, the Artist formerly known as Eldrick is gonna win at least ten more majors. Yes, I said 10. Five more in the next 3 years max to pull ahead of Jack. And then at least 5 additional majors as he - just 36 at that point - sets (I believe) a new goal of tying or breaking the record for most wins in each individual major. You can take that one to the bank! Lock it down! (”You lock it down”)

The only thing wrong with Tiger (2009: 6 wins, Three Top 6 finishes in Majors) is the ridiculous expectations he’s held to by the Selena Roberts of the world when he has the audacity to come up short in a major.

4. This week’s “Sign of the Apocalypse”: Wal-Mart now sells caskets and urns. Seriously. What don’t they sell? Outside of armored tanks and small children I mean? (Wouldn’t it be great if some of those kids already knew how to operate the tanks?!? Do you know what I would pay for that service? My god I’m never gonna be a Dad am I?)

Saturday Night Live had a wonderful recurring skit a few years ago of people walking into Wal-Mart and asking the greeters where to find wildly outrageous things like Football Stadiums, endangered animals, and nuclear weapons - with the obvious joke being that the place sells everything. Well it appears that life has now imitated art, instead of the other way around.

5. Now that Mark McGwire is back in baseball, he needs to talk, and talk now about his alleged steroid use, before he permanently ruins what is left of his legacy. The man has learned nothing from Pete Rose. All Charlie Hustle had to do was fess up to his gambling issues because - for better or for worse - America simply doesn’t look upon gambling as the most heinous of crimes. (Unless you bet on your own team to lose, in which case you’re probably gonna burn)

Did we feel let down, hurt, and betrayed by Charlie Hustle? Absolutely.

But in this country, if you show serious contrition, you will most likely be forgiven. (Especially if you are a white, corn fed, midwestern hero. I hated Pete Rose for what he put baseball through in 1989, and when I told people this - they lost their stuff. You would have thought I said their mommas were hangin’ out down at the shipyards)

PR didn’t kill his wife and a waiter, he didn’t touch kids, he didn’t run a Ponzi scheme and steal hundreds of millions of dollars from hard working people. Americans would have forgiven Pete in record time, but Rose was pathologically unable to admit his crime for over 20 years, and it cost him everything.

We are about to see if MM will do the same. modern-family

6. So I need to add another TV show to the season pass on my Tivo like I need a hole in my head, but I kept hearing how good “Modern Family” is, so (shocker) I watched it last week, and let me tell you…I was not disappointed people!

It would be incorrect - and unfair - to compare it to the sublime “Arrested Development”, but MF is somewhat dry and absurdist, and me likey the dry and absurdist.

Speaking of ABC sitcoms (station management LOVES when I plug other networks!) still loving “Cougar Town”! (Sample dialogue from Courtney Cox’s ex-husband, giving a golf lesson to a very old woman who - after missing several times - finally puts the clubface on the ball, “That’s the swing Gladys, way to make that fake hip your b**ch!”)

7. Speaking of TV - sort of - I was cutting the highlights of the Browns game Sunday, when I saw a shot of Eric Mangini, which got me thinking - who in recent years has had a bigger fall from grace than Mangini?

Seriously…let’s recap this rollercoaster: one minute he appears in an episode of “The Sopranos” after surprisingly leading the Jets to the playoffs. Then just 2 years later he’s canned after failing to make the postseason following an 8-3 start.

Next thing you know he takes a gig with the hapless Brownies, forces his rookies and undrafted Free Agents to take a 10 hour bus ride to work his football camp, fines a player $1,701 for failing to pay for a hotel room bottled water, loses every game thus far this season AND in the ultimate insult…gets compared to the repugnant little fatty from a children’s book.

Brutal. Just brutal. I think Adriana got off easier.

(Rolling Stone magazine’s Matt Taibbi writes of Mangini “I’ve always wondered what happened to Augustus Gloop, the fat little boy in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory…a boy with fat bulging from every fold, with two greedy eyes peering out of his doughball of a head–(but he) somehow ended up as head coach of the Cleveland Browns. [Mangini's tenure with the] Browns has been one of the truly thrilling sports disaster stories ever, a sort of Hurricane Andrew of football mismanagement, replete with horrific losses and incredible tales of pointless disciplinary tactics. Mangini’s Browns have already done more laying down on national TV than Paris Hilton.”)

8. As promised in my last column - segue - here are the reasons I am not exactly the world’s biggest Jim Rome fan. And to be fair - before I bust out the hammer - I’ll give credit where credit is due. The guy is very knowledgeable, he gets great guests, and clearly busts his bottom - hosting both TV and radio shows.

That being said, my issues with JR began with his infamous Jim Everett interview back in ‘91 or so. (See below)

And despite the fact he was torched publicly for that incident, nothing much has changed in the past 18 years. You wanna hammer a dictator like Mangini for his bad behavior? So be it. He’s earned it.

But don’t ridicule a young college QB like Wisconsin’s Scott Tolzien (on his ESPN TV show) by constantly looping video of Tolzien vainly trying to find a teammate to high five after a touchdown.

Rome just seems to consistently try waaaaay too hard to be cool, from his lingo (Nothing is ever referred to by its actual name. A stadium is not a stadium, it’s a “barn”. Your helmet is “your lid”. Athletes who get caught with pot are “buying some stick” or “smoking tree”) to his ever present goatee (Ummm…the early ’90’s called. They want their face hair back) to his childish knocking of sports he sees as less than manly (Mainly soccer) and celebration of all things that exude manliness (Mostly MMA and boxing) plus his ridiculous “smack-offs” where he allows the lowest common denominator (his loyal fans known as “clones”) to get on the air and take their own cheap shots at whomever they chose.

(And I’ve gotta add…the 7 second or so pause he takes between every few words drives me nuts. “Let me tell you about (6 second pause) Peyton Manning (Another 4 second pause) Peyton Manning (10 second delay. Is he still there?) is playing (8 seconds) the best ball (7 seconds of dead air) of his career. I’m telling you…that is an SNL sketch just waiting to happen. Jason Sudekis needs to get on this now)

9. As usual I have blown away my self imposed word count, so very quickly I want to say kudos to Andre Agassi for admitting his Crystal-Meth use. Some have questioned his motives, but I have nothing but admiration for a man - especially one who will forever be linked to the phrase “Image is everything” - who chose to make this admission, despite the fact he has everything to lose and nothing to gain (And don’t give me that book sales rubbish. He’s married to Steffi Graf for godsakes. They’ve got a few nickels)

The man has found peace, and he wants to clean the slate. Andre Agassi isn’t asking the tennis world for forgiveness, he’s looking for his own absolution.

10. Attention red blooded males, do yourself a favor and get the latest GQ. The one with the luminous January Jones on the cover. And when you’re done staring at the cover, read the Zach Galifianakis (”The Hangover”) article inside. my god I laughed harder than I did watching the latest episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

One last tiny thing: What the hell is up with “The little girl in the curl” references? Chris Berman and Al Michaels both dropped one on Sunday night. Somebody let me know. In the meantime, I gotta run to the store. Wal-Mart is having a huge sale on Samurai swords, baby Llamas and weapons grade plutonium.

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Tweety Bird

October 16th, 2009, 12:32 pm by apepper

You know the drill…10 sports and pop cultural related topics, with an occasional divergence into the little things in life that drive me beyond batspit.

(Editors note: “batspit” is the closest we could let him come to saying what he really wanted to say. He’s really quite difficult to deal with.

Andy’s note: I can hear you. I’m standing right here.

Editor: long awkward pause)

1. So I joined Twitter this week, which is ummm…pretty much completely embarrassing considering that I have been bashing it for months (including a few on air swipes)

So why the turnaround? Look…I think Twitter is great for people that have an agenda, people that need to push something. I’m talkin’ musicians, actors, authors, politicians, and those abominable women

(Editors note: Andy wanted to use the common term “fame whore” but was vetoed by upper management) that are famous for just being famous.

Now in my case, I just want to use Twitter to potentially increase my readership from the low teens, all the way up into the high 30’s, thus triggering the lucrative “snack machine allowance” clause in my contract. (There’s nothing like a cool Fresca purchased with house money. Do they still make Fresca? No? How about Tab? Jolt maybe…the grandaddy of energy drinks? Btw…do you drink energy drinks? And if so, why? Do you know what’s in that crap?)

So with that in mind I have decided to join that club of extreme narcissists known as Twitter users. (Or as I call them, “kindred spirits”)

I will say this though…I have little plan to use the service (save for pushing my column) because as it is, I can barely stand the insipid people on Facebook who update their status every ten minutes. From proud Mom’s who don’t understand we aren’t interested in hearing about every little thing their kid does (”Little Jimmy just ate a fish taco and then desecrated his diaper!”) to that girl who makes random, vague statements in the hopes of getting follow up comments (”Ughh….guys are SUCH jerks sometimes”) to that guy who tells us all the cool manly stuff he just did (”Man I had a great workout. My lats are burning up! I can’t wait to relax tonight at the Casino!) to that stupid sports anchor who…hey, wait a minute…

2. So Nascar’s ratings problems are being blamed on the fact that the start times aren’t uniform?!? Really!? Really? (I like to say things twice in a row for effect) There’s one race a week…are you telling me you can’t figure out what time it starts? It’s that hard for you? That doesn’t perpetuate any stereotypes. None at all.

If your excuse for not watching is because the start times aren’t the exact same every week, then you don’t really care to watch in the first place. Boogity Boogity.

3. Movies I’ve seen that are better than “Couples Retreat”. Umm…all of them.

I love me some Vince Vaughn, but did he read the script? (Directed by the way by Peter Billingsley. Or as you may know him…

…Ralphie from “A Christmas Story”)

There’s one point in the film when Vaughn tries to do a little monologue similar to the one he does in Wedding Crashers ( “Janice, I apologize to you if I don’t seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don’t like the feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I’m not really interested, should I play like I’m interested but I’m not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she’s not interested? So all of the sudden I’m getting, I’m starting to get interested… And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it’s awkward, it’s like well goodnight. Do you do like that butts-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your butt sticks out cause you’re trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don’t kiss them at all? It’s very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you’re just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions?”) and it’s just plain uncomfortable. It’s like seeing one of your sports heroes age before your eyes. Now I know why it pained people so much to see Willie Mays stumble around CF with the Mets.

4. Back to nascar (I’ve been meaning to tell my Tony Stewart story since that whole BK commercial/”Esssssstraaaaada” thing) So I met TS a couple years ago at Michigan International Speedway. Smoke was holding a presser before the spring race, and I was among a small group of people informally interviewing him. Sadly, I made the mistake of wearing makeup and a suit jacket (I was planning on doing a stand up immediately after) I asked him a question and when he saw me, he immediately started ripping me, good naturedly calling me - among other things - “Fabio”.

So after I stopped crying, I went down to the track to do my stand up. The idea was to shoot him coming off the track onto pit road (He was giving rides to a couple of contest winners) and then pan over to me for the conclusion.

Well, Stewart saw me and - as he was about to pass me at about 70 mph - locked up the brakes, nearly swerving into me.

I tried to keep my composure and complete the stand up but couldn’t because of the small Hershey Bar’s that had involuntarily ended up in my pants.

Stewart of course thought that was hilarious, but he ended up doing an awesome little 1 on 1 interview with me, and since then I’ve been a big fan.

5. You know who else I’m a big fan of? Anthony Kim. I wanna party with A.K. That’s all I’m sayin’.

6. Question for those of you (In either the Cleveland or Buffalo markets) that were stuck with the woeful Bills and and the horrendous Browns (Final score: 6-3) as your sole local early game last weekend: How quickly did you think about hurting yourself or others?

Seriously…for a hard core football fan - and Fantasy football degenerate - is there anything worse than watching two inept football teams? (Trust me, I can empathize. Back when I was in college the - then terrible - Steelers were on every…single…week. How bad was it? I’ve got two words for you: one is “Bubby”, and the other is “Brister”. Btw…great Steelers trivia question (God I hate to even remotely cater to Steelers fans. It’s like feeding the animals at the zoo, you just don’t do it) who caught the longest TD in Pittsburgh history?

(Answer below. Unless it isn’t)

7. Speaking of wide receivers: My buddy Sparky and I were discussing which wide receivers we *really* would like to have seen play their entire career with an above average quarterback. Here’s what the brain trust came up with:

1. Steve Smith (Carolina version 1.0) My mind turns to jelly when I think of what Smith could have accomplished with Peyton Manning.

2. Joey Galloway: Joey G. was a monster waiting to happen but played with some bad QB’s in Seattle, then was traded to Dallas and broke his leg in his very first game of what also ended up being the (unexpected) final year of Troy Aikman’s career. Put Galloway - in his prime - with a rocket armed Jay Cutler type and watch the 45 yard TD’s roll in.

3. Santana Moss: A Galloway clone who played with limp armed Chad Pennington in N.Y., and now toils for the strong armed but highly erratic Jason Campbell. Too bad Santana didn’t play for the Skins 20 years earlier, he would have been a brilliant “Smurf”.

7. Still speaking of wide receivers…Stay Classy NCAA! Way to suspened Oklahoma State stud wideout Dez Bryant for lying about something (meeting with Deion Sanders) that wasn’t even a violation to begin with. So you meet the kid without counsel - he gets nervous and lies about it - and you jack him up with a season long suspension. Entrapment much? I am pretty sure Dante just added another circle of hell for the compliance people who work at the NCAA.

8. It’s official…”Desperate Housewifes” has jumped the shark. (Not that I ummm…watch that very decidely un-manly show. Hold on a second, I need to update my Facebook status: “Andy is doing some pushups and washing his new monster truck while waiting for tonights beer pong marathon. YEAAAAH”)

First they turn Dana Delaney into a crazy stalker? And then Susan tries to force her daughters alleged teen attacker into a confession by trapping - and nearly crushing him - under a car? Suuuuuuuure! I’m pretty sure the next logical step is to have one of the families adopt a kid named “Oliver”. Preferably during sweeps.

(Btw…I was pretty much besides myself when - during the stunt that ultimately led to the shark jump - Erin Cunningham started crying while Fonzie was getting ready to jump the barrels. Now THAT’s a plot line! And speaking of TMI…my parents bought me a leather jacket like Fonzie’s when I was in the 2nd grade. I was all upset though that it wouldn’t “make noise” like Fonzie’s did when he turned around in the booth at Al’s. Did I mention I’m difficult?

Editor’s note: Ummm…I did

Andy’s note: Still right here…)

9. My favorite pop cultural moment of the week? Justin Long’s (the guy who does the Mac commercials, Drew Barrymore’s bf) dead on impersonation of Matthew McConnaughey (Alright, alright, alright!) in an SNL skit. Don’t sleep on SNL people. Not while Kristen Wiig is still there.

10. I was gonna wrap things up with the latest reason I hate Jim “no one told me that goatees stopped being cool 15 years ago” Rome, but I think I’m gonna save that one for next week. I’m gonna have to explore the studio space on that one (”Correct me if I’m wrong, but we don’t play a lot of songs that feature the cowbell”)

But first, the promised trivia answer for the black and gold loving vermin. Back in 1981 Terry Bradshaw threw a 90 yard touchdown pass to….Mark Malone of all people (Yes, the then rookie QB best known for his work - years later - at ESPN)

Btw…that mark was later equaled by one Bubby Brister, who tossed a 90 yarder to Dwight Stone.

Now if you’ll excuse me, talking about the Steelers makes me feel dirty. I have to go shower. Right after I log onto Twitter and tell everyone I have to shower.

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FlashForward

October 9th, 2009, 11:38 am by apepper

Welcome everyone to the “I didn’t really have swine flu, but I was sick as a dog all week and there are soooo many other things I should be catching up on right now” expedited edition of “Friday’s Tuesday 10″.

1. The article of this weeks column was gonna be “Why you should boo the absolute living hell out of Miguel Cabrera at this weekends playoff opener”, but as we all know, the Tigers came out on the short end of that mini-classic with the Twins on Tuesday night.

I don’t care that Cabrera was out drinking with a White Sox player, I can only take that “sleeping with the enemy” mentality so far. But the man came home WASTED at 5 in the morning - and got into a domestic with his wife - just 14 hours shy of a crucial Saturday night matchup with the White Sox.

Here are the ramifications of guzzling down that much alcohol, as cribbed directly from the much better journalists at ESPN: (Copying and pasting is fun!)

“James C. Fell, the director for traffic safety and enforcement programs of the Pacific Institute for Research and Evaluation, in Calverton, Md., told ESPN The Magazine’s Buster Olney earlier this week that a person requires many hours to process alcohol.

The 26-year-old Cabrera registered a 0.26 blood alcohol content, more than three times above Michigan’s legal driving limit. The average person metabolizes alcohol at about the rate of .015 per hour, Fell said in a phone interview.

An experienced drinker would metabolize alcohol at about .020 per hour. That means that “the standard person” would have required more than 17 hours to metabolize alcohol that had reached a level of 0.26. An experienced drinker would have required 13 hours to metabolize alcohol at that level, Fell said”

So to recap, the Tigers led the Twins by just 1 game with 2 to go, and Cabrera - the teams $153 million dollar man - deemed it prudent to go out and get absolutely whacked with an opposing player. So how did Cabrera perform following his best Nic Cage impression? Well, the slugger was - coincidentally or not - 0-4 on Saturday, and 0-3 Sunday, when the news of his drinkathon/dustup reached the media.

So what should have happened had the Tigers returned home this weekend to host the Yankees in Game 3? Miguel Cabrera should have been booed like he has never been booed before. Because he stuck his figurative middle finger up at a fan base that desperately needed their beloved Tigers to take their minds off the miserable economic downturn that has hit this state harder than any other.

But Miguel Cabrera would not have been booed. At least not heartily. Because sports

fans - whether they root for the Tigers or the T-Wolves, Manchester (United) or The Mets, Boston or The Bulls - are almost always incapable of separating their heads from their hearts, which means that athletes almost always get complete free passes from their rose colored glasses wearing fan base.

But here’s a novel thought: Rooting for the uniform doesn’t mean you have to root for *every* player who wears it. Don’t ever underestimate the power held by you the fan. Your wallet speaks, and speaks loudly. And while I think precious little of people who spend every waking moment on message boards, trust me - your comments are heard loudly as well. Athletes will stop getting free passes when YOU stop giving them.

2. I just saw “Zombieland” yesterday. The best mix of comedy and horror I’ve seen since I watched 9 minutes of that one episode of “Jon and Kate plus the 8 breadwinners who will never, ever see a dime of any of that money”

Btw…”Zombieland” also features perhaps the best unbilled (and self deprecating) star cameo I’ve seen in recent memory. I’ll give you a hint: He’s an excellent bowler. I’ll give you another hint: He once punched Chevy Chase in the face. I’ll give you another hint: neither of those hints probably helped you. Apologies. I have never played well with others.

3. This weeks “Sign of the Apocalypse”: Chad OchoCinco has written a book. http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/story?columnist=reilly_rick&id=4519152&sportCat=nfl

4.Is there a sports talking head that - day in and day out - make more sense than Trent Dilfer? (Cris Collinsworth maybe?)

Dilfer just breaks it down cleanly and makes strong, cogent (I don’t know what “cogent” means but I have been determind to use it in a sentence for quite some time now) points every time he’s on. Tedy Bruschi is also growing on me pretty fast.

5. This just in: Tiger Woods has made his first billion. Yes, that’s billion. With a “b”.

The artist formerly known as Eldrick turned pro at 20, which means it took him just 13 years to amass more benjamins than many third world nations. He also married a swedish nanny.

So I put it to you Greg (and you need to blurt this answer out as quickly as one name enters your head) would you rather be:

A) Tiger Woods - golf god, billion dollars, swedish nanny

B) Tom Brady - football god, hosted SNL, husband of Gisele.

I would rather be Tiger. Because I think Gisele would make an excellent 2nd wife for me.

6. This weeks headline I hoped I would never, ever read: “Ted Williams Frozen Head Abused in Lab”. Despite my staunch N.Y. Yankees upbringing, I was always a huge fan of Teddy Ballgame. I was a counselor at his Massachusetts BB camp, and actually spoke with him once about his passion for fishing, and a mutual family friend (my family owned a fishing net company. JF Pepper Co. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? No? My bad)

Personally, I have been skeptical about cryogenics since I found out it severely affects your inner monologue (Btw…if you’re keeping track at home - and why would you? - that’s two underrated pop cultural references slid quietly into the last two full paragraphs. A shiny quarter to the first person who correctly identifies both)

7. Speaking of Pop Culture…my god I am already completely hooked on ”FlashForward” (But - full disclosure - already totally worried the producers can come up with a realistic and compelling payoff. Btw…the last time I was this smitten was when I had a 5th grade crush on Gail Henry. But I digress) Many folks are wary about getting involved with mythology driven shows - either because of the time committment, complete lack of patience, or an inability to embrace Science fiction unless there are hobbits, light sabers, or pointy eared Vulcans involved - but when they’re done right (”Lost”, the first several years of “X Files”, the first 3 years of “Alias”) there is nothing more satisfying. (Well, maybe leaving my swedish nanny for Gisele. Take that Gail Henry! You can stay with Vinny Migliori for all I care. Not that I even remember you 29 years later. Because I don’t. I love you!)

Moving to the other end of the spectrum, I just watched an ep of “Curb your Enthusiasm” for the first time in a few years, and I laughed harder than I have at anything in quite some time (”I saved your life”, “Tipping is NOT done in concert, it’s a solo act”)

Btw…in case you’ve been living under a rock, this years plot revolves around a “Seinfeld” reunion, with the Fab 4 themselves not only returning for several episodes, but also taking shots at the much panned actual Seinfeld series finale.

And one last note, I watched Grey’s last night, and I knooooow I need to let this go…but is there a worse actor/actress than Ellen “I have one facial expression, even when my tearful sister is begging for my liver to save the Daddy I never knew” Pompeo?

Is no one else bothered by the wooden Meredith Grey? I need to hear from the ladies (and uhh…the other less than manly men who watch this show)

8. So I was watching ESPN this week, listening to their multitude of ex-athletes talk about the challenge of playing revenge games (as per the Favre/Packers get together on MNF) when I saw video of Cris Carter scoring against his former team, the Buddy Ryan led Eagles.

And it hit me, do people realize that Chris Berman’s famous “all he does is score touchdowns” comment is actually based on what Buddy Ryan ridiculously said when questioned about his decision to cut Carter, or do they think that’s just a funny Berman made up because Carter did in fact score a whole hell of a lot of TD’s?

And on a related note, do folks realize that Berman’s famous “He..could…go…all…THE…WAAAAY!” bit is a homage to the great Howard Cosell, who used that line nearly ever Monday night at halftime when doing the previous days highlights? I’m just askin’ people.

9. This weeks thing that really, really bothers soon to be locked away in a room Andy: people who don’t turn their headlights on when it rains (or on a related note - when it’s even slightly dark)

Try and follow along with me here, sometimes headlights aren’t for YOU to see other cars, they’re for other cars to see YOU.

The next time it rains - even slightly - take a look at your sideview mirror and tell me what you see. Now go and try and make a right hand turn when all you see is rain droplets. Now after you pull your air bag out of your neck, tell me why you couldn’t see that grey/black/or navy blue car through the gloom and falling rain (Therapy is fun! Next week we’ll talk about people WHO START TALKING WAY LOUDER THAN NECESSARY AS SOON AS THEY ANSWER THEIR CELL PHONE AS IF THEY’RE TALKING INTO A CAN OF BEANS WITH A STRING AT THE END. Dear god I have issues)

10. Things I am excited about this weekend: Saturday Night in Death Valley (#1 Flo-rida vs #4 LSU) getting the newly acquired - and electric - DeSean Jackson in my fantasy lineup, seeing Favre and Peterson carve up the Rams. Things that do not excite me: Watching the Presiden’t Cup (Look, I’m a golf geek - but if the stars don’t even care about this event, why should I? And it’s obvious that no one else does, because Michael Jordan is an “assistant’s assistant” to Team Captain Fred Couples?!?) seeing the Steelers take on the Matthew Stafford/Calvin Johnson less Lions, and opening this letter from Gail Henry’s lawyers. What does cease and desist mean?

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America’s Quarterback

October 1st, 2009, 9:44 pm by apepper

Hey kids, welcome to the latest installment of Friday’s “Tuesday 10″ (Admittedly, the name maaaaaay still need some work) We’re talkin’ ten sports and pop cultural topics from the previous week, with the occasional segue into politics and/or religion (And by “occasional” I mean “almost never”, as I would love to keep my TV gig)

And we begin…

1. I almost always hate it when people forward me e-mails with some sort of video attachment that I “have to see!”, because much like blind dating, I am usually miserable after having doing so, and wondering how I can possibly get back the last two minutes or (if on a date) two hours of my life (That reminds me…I have a classic story of a blind date I went on in Washington D.C., back in ohhhh 1997 or so. Sadly, although I work on TV, that channel is not HBO, so I can not share details of said date. I can however tell you that when a woman defends the cigarette companies AND wholeheartedly endorses the use (and legality) of semi-automatic weapons - all before I’ve had my first GG and Sprite - well, let’s just say things went better for Bruce Willis and Kim Basinger on their blind date)

That being said…you need to see this freaky Nostradamus like prediction by a Seattle Mariner broadcaster:

2. I just saw the season premiere, and I have to say yet again that David Duchnovy is brilliant on “Californication”. I thought he could only do dour, but the man absolutely lights up the screen as Hank Moody.

3. Did you see Brett Favre run *forty yards* downfield to throw a block in the 3rd quarter of the 49ers game?!? I was officially off the Favre bandwagon for obvious reasons, but I have now jumped right back on. Permanently. The man loves the game. That play alone showed me he’s not back solely to stick it to the Packers front office.

4. Speaking of quarterbacks who either played in or hail from Wisconsin…my emotions have run from bemused to annoyed to aghast at the current Code Orange level (is that the bad scary color? Or is it Hunter Green? Mauve? Stupid confusing Homeland Security) of conversation regarding Tony Romo. Apparently every talking head in America needs to weigh in on whether or not the Dallas signal caller is truly a Top notch QB, or some sort of media created fraud.

Now - full disclosure - I root for the team with the star on their helmet, but I take great pride in my ability to take off my rose colored glasses when discussing the pros and cons of my favorite teams and/or the athletes who suit up for them (For example, I am - to the best of my knowledge - the only Yankees fan in the country who derives little to no happiness from the teams current run of success, thanks to the fact the financial deck is so ridiculously stacked in the teams favor. I mean, seriously…how gratifying is it supposed to be to go to the playoffs every year when your payroll is $50-$60 million more than the next team, and $100-$150 million more than every other MLB franchise?!? Ok, it’s a little gratifying)

So now that we have established that A) I can reasonably discuss Tony Romo, and B) that I am going straight to hell for the crime of rooting for both the Yankees AND the Cowboys (among uhh…other reasons. Including that blind date) let’s get to work.

Tony Romo is 29-13 as a starter, and if he quit the game today, would retire with the 3rd best passer rating of all time. Re-read that sentence and let those facts sink in a bit.

Now I know what you’re screaming…there are lies, damned lies, and statistics (OK, you’re not thinking that. Because how many of you are familiar with 19th Century British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli, or for that matter, Episode 21 of Season 1 of the West Wing)

and that Tony Romo may win games, but he chokes in the “big” games. To which I say…there’s a whole lot of fiction mixed into that supposed fact.

Romo fumbled a wet ball on what would have been a game winning field goal in the Seattle playoff game of 2006 (his first playoff game in his year as a starter) and the next year he lost to a NY Giants team that went on to beat Favre and the Packers in Lambeau Field, before toppling Tom Brady and the undefeated Patriots in the Super Bowl.

So you’re gonna tell me that Tom “50 TD’s” Brady (29-46 / 266 / 1 TD) can lose to the G-men, but Romo (18-36 / 201 / 1 TD - 1 INT) can’t?

Did Brady choke? Or was he - like Romo and Favre - stymied by an otherworldly Giants pass rush?

We are led to believe that Romo shat (not a typo, much like Madonna I sometimes like to pretend I am British. It helps my self esteem) the bed in the Cowboys home opener because it was such a *huge* game, and he doesn’t win *huge* games. Well, was the nationally televised Thursday night game 2 years ago between the 11-1 Cowboys and the 11-1 Packers a huge game? Because Romo threw for 300 yards and 3 touchdowns in THAT huge game.

Once upon a time Peyton Manning was perceived as a guy who could not win the big game, in college or the pros. Until he did. John Elway didn’t win until the big one until he was what, 36? Tony Romo is 29.

I will readily admit that Dallas has been terrible in the months that count (December-January) for the better part of a decade, and Romo has not exactly distinguished himself down the stretch the last few seasons. But I tend to believe that the 2007 ‘Boys lost focus after wrapping up home field advantage with their win over the Packers, and that last years squad absolutely quit on Wade Phillips, culminating in the loss that shall not be named to the team and city I hate above all others with the possible exception of the team that wears black and gold (Btw…I am sooooo glad Jerry Jones brought Wade back this year)

So with all of the above being taken into account, I ask you this…how many QB’s in the NFL are *definitively* better than Tony Romo? I’m talking right now. How many QB’s would you rather have on your team than Romo? Right at this moment? (Btw…for this to work, you have to - mission impossible - temporarily suspend your hatred of all things Cowboys)

Brees, Brady, Manning? Absolutely.

Favre, Warner, McNabb? I would argue that their resumes are far richer, but that doesn’t equate to being better *right now*. That being said, those 3 men have won or reached the Super Bowl, so I’ll give you those names for the sake of argument.

Rothlisberger and Eli Manning? Neither men are exactly prolific passers, but both have won Super Bowls (although umm…so did Trent Dilfer) so let’s save time and add them to the list.

That’s 8 QB’s, and I think the case can be made that at least 2 of them are on the list because of their past accomplishments, and 2 are slightly overrated because they own shiny rings. But who else is *definitively* better than Romo? Either statistically, or because of a championship pedigree?

The names Rivers, Ryan, Rodgers (I love alliteration) Flacco, Cutler, Palmer, and Schaub seem to comprise the next tier of top gunslingers. But would a large group of experts say that any one of them is conclusively better than TR right at this very moment?

I say nay (Because it sounds like something a British person would say. They just sound smarter. If only their teeth weren’t so bad)

Tony Romo - admittedly - turns the ball over too much, he often takes too many needless risks (which for some reason is only socially acceptable if you are a popular pro golfer in need of a “man-zier”, or a soon to be 40 year old QB who built his reputation in cheese country) and he has yet to channel his inner Joe Montana in a championship game…but he also does a hell of a lot of things right, like find the end zone and win games.

And here’s the real point of all this…if TR plied his trade in Seattle, Cleveland, or Jacksonville (instead of lining up behind center for the much loved, hated even more Cowboys) and/or had dated a hairdresser named Jessica Sampson, instead of a tabloid fixture named Jessica Simpson, then this silly national debate would never have surfaced. And I could have spent the last 11 paragraphs discussing my hopes and desires for the upcoming Season 6 of “Lost” (For starters, I want to know what the hell is up with Walt’s powers)

Now if Romo would only stop wearing his hat backwards. The man *is* nearly 30 for godsakes.

5. Speaking of things that drive me crazy (you may recall my ummm…less than sane issues with white guy posers who wear their hat cocked sideways with an unbent rim)

It’s not that hard to park between the two lines in a parking lot. It really isn’t. Being unable to do so usually signifies that you are either A) stupid, B) lazy, or C) lazy, selfish, AND stupid. Don’t do it. You’re all grownz up now.

6. The new chick on SNL (Jenny Slate) accidentally dropped an “f bomb” during Saturday’s (Megan Fox hosted) season premiere. She won’t be fired. Speaking of SNL…why the heck did Lorne Michaels get rid of the very talented Michaela Watkins?!

7. My Fantasy team scored just 44 points this week. Thanks for nothing Tony Romo. Stupid, big game choking, celebrity quarterback (I may have mentioned in the past that I lose all sense of reason when things go badly for my Fantasy team. I am pretty sure that if I ever find myself in divorce court, this fact may arise)

8. The “Essssstraaaada” comment seemed to strike a chord with our faithful readers. I think a late career resurgence is in the cards for our man Ponch (And what I would do to own a pair of those “Estrada” sunglasses. Seriously. In a related story, I may have just figured out my Halloween costume)

9. I just finished the book “Boys Will Be Boys, The Glory Days And Party Nights of the Dallas Cowboys Dynasty” by Jeff Pearlman. A gripping look at the ‘89-95 ‘Boys. A great read for Dallas lovers AND haters alike (I don’t know about you, but learning about the construction of dynastic teams - no matter who they are - intrigues the hell out of me. And when you add in the “too incredible to be true but they absolutely are” behind the scenes stories - 2 words: Charles Haley - you’ve got yourself a real page turner)

Btw…next on my list is the first book (”Club Dead”) in the “True Blood” series. (Question: Is reading this book grounds for being forced to give up my man card? Or does that only happen if I read “Twilight”? I need to know people)

10. Congratulations Dee-troit Lions! Whether you are a long time Lion, or a newbie, I

can…not…imagine the stress that you must have been feeling. A few years ago I was shooting video of LSU head coach Les Miles as he conducted his weekly radio show at a popular Baton Rouge restaurant. Miles had just committed the unpardonable sin of allowing his team to lose to Florida, the Tigers second loss of the young season (LSU would rally to finish 11-2, a season capped off with a thumping of ND in the Sugar Bowl) and the faithful were letting him have it. Big Time. During the commercial break I caught his beleagured eye and said “Coach, they literally couldn’t pay me enough to put up with the things you have to put up with”.

If the Lions 19 game losing streak wasn’t snapped Sunday against the Redskins, every succeeding week would have been just as interminable as the hour Miles spent getting publicly sauteed by LSU fans.

And with the upcoming schedule almost assuredly resulting in 3 more losses (and a bye week) the Lions would have had to deal with “The Streak” for at least another full month.

And let’s be honest…the only thing worse than that, is a baaaaad blind date.

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Esssstraaaaada!

September 25th, 2009, 11:45 am by apepper

Hey there friends and neighbors, welcome to the latest edition of “Friday’s Tuesday 10″ (Don’t ask. Seriously. It will hurt your head)

10 sports topics, minus a few occasional fork in the road pop cultural diversions.

And we’re off…

1. We are just two weeks into the NFL season, and there have already been rumblings about whether or not the Lions took the right QB in the draft, but I’m not ready just yet to pass judgement on Stafford vs Sanchez.

(Keeping in mind of course that the immortal Ryan Leaf won his first two starts)

I will say this though, Matt Stafford doesn’t need to have a Hall of Fame career. Those guys don’t exactly grow on trees.

But when you select a guy #1 overall, and then invest $70 million in him ($40 million guar-an-teed. Btw…I like to say “guaranteed” with 3 syllables. I also like to do it with a southern accent. I have issues) what he DOES need to be, is an above average starter for the next 12-15 years.

A guy with the capability to - with the right supporting cast - lead his team to the Super Bowl.

Think Matt Hasselbeck, Brad Johnson, Rich Gannon. Not very sexy names I admit, but they are the names of some above average - but less than superstar - signal callers who led their teams to Super Bowls. And I think you will agree faithful Lions fans, those are sexier names than Andre Ware, Scott Mitchell, and “He who shall not be named” from the University of Oregon.

2. This weeks “Sign of the Apocalypse”: A snuggie fashion show was held during Fashion Week in New York. I…kid…you…not.

I have nothing more to say on this topic, mostly because I think it would be prudent for me to get up and shut my windows before the locusts descend

3. Let’s get back to the Lions shall we? (I know, I know, some of you would actually *choose* to wear a snuggie at this point, but I am a Michigander now. Or is it Michiganderan? San Diegite? San Diegan?)

ESPN’s Scott Van Pelt said on air recently that “there is nothing more delusional than a sports fan”. A point that I have wholeheartedly endorsed for years now.

I bring this up because Lions fans apparently believe that former GM Matt Millen has lost the right to do anything short of hide in a cave and die from starvation.

I get it. I do. The man ran your franchise into the ground, and I fully understand, respect, and appreciate your immense and justifiable anger. And by anger, I mean blood thirsty rage.

But before MM took the keys from Ford, he was a renowned analyst. And you know what? I am in the minority in that I actually do think that - despite his incredible front office ineptitude - he has the credibilty to return to the booth. Because talking about the X’s and O’s of an in-progress football game is a completely different skill set than player evaluation.

One of those things Matt Millen excels at, the other he does not.

And besides, it wasn’t MY franchise that he ran into the ground. (Is it warm in Hell? Will I need to pack a snuggie?)

4. Looking for a good new TV show? Look no further than “Cougar Town”. I kid you not. Courtney Cox is even better than she was as Monica (I KNOW!) Plus every review I read had the words “raunchy”, “inappropriate”, and/or “racy” in it, so I am pretty sure my Tivo will know to record this one on it’s own. Alas, my hopes are considerably lower for “The Cleveland Show”.

5. So how pumped are you for this weekends Fed Ex cup? Man, I can’t stand the suspense! When I think of a new champion being added to a list that includes Snead, Hogan, Palmer, Nicklaus, and Roy McAvoy, I get both tongue tied and misty eyed!

(What’s this? None of those golfers actually ever won a Fed Ex Cup because it’s a totally made up, 2 year old award that we are constantly being told is quite a big deal? I mean, Jim Nantz does whisper in reverential tones every time he gives us a standings update, so this is a big deal right?) I need answers people. I only have so much Tivo space left, and I need to decide between Sundays Fed Ex finale, and “Californication”.

(OK…I think we both know what choice I’m gonna make here, but still…)

6.I love when pop cultural icons of old poke fun of themselves. Have you seen the new Burger King commercials with Erik Estrada? I’ve got one word for you….Essssssstraaaaada!

(Btw…CHiPs was never the same after Estrada’s contract dispute - and half season absence - led to the introduction of Bruce Jenner. And Bruce Jenner was never the same after meeting Kris Kardashian. And - let’s just keep the Kevin Bacon/6 degrees of separation rants coming shall we - why do parents think it is cute to name all seven of their kids with the same first letter (Kim, Kourtney, Khloe? Seriously? You named one daughter “Kourtney” and the other ”Khloe”? With a “K”?!? Dear god. No wonder she decided to marry Lamar Odom ten minutes after meeting him. I’m just sayin’. Essssstraaaaada!)

7. I am not an athlete apologist, and I never will be, but I don’t think Plaxico Burress should spend a minute in prison, and I’m a staunch advocate of gun control. Or as some people call it, educated (Sorry, I am contractually obligated to offend at least 17 percent of my readers at any given time. Is this a bad time to mention that I love Michael Moore?)

Shooting yourself in the leg with an unlicensed gun in virtually any other city or state would have resulted (with a clean record of course) in some sort of probation, or at the worst - a very minimal prison stay.

In my book, Prison is a place for people who can, will, or have harmed others. Murderers, blue and white collar thieves, drunk drivers, wife beaters, child molesters and G.M.’s who have set NFL franchises back at least a dozen years)

Plaxico Burress’ crime was stupidity. Some will argue that he was in fact a danger to others by carrying a gun, and I will concede that point. But he shot himself, and was punished by losing both a half season in the NFL (and would have lost ‘09 whether he went to jail or not) and the 5 year $35 million dollar extension he signed before the ‘08 season.

I believe prison is a place for dangerous men and women who pose a threat to ourselves and our families. So with that in mind, I ask you this…do you feel safer tonight knowing that Plaxico Burress is behind bars?

8. Weird things bother me. I hate when guys wear baseball hats A) cocked to the side, and B) with out bending the brim. How much do things like that bother me? I was watching the Little League World Series last month, and rooted for a young pitcher to get lit up, just because he looked like a little poser with his slightly cocked to the side, unbent baseball hat.

And when he got hammered like Barry Zito, I was actually happy about it.

So to recap: I was ecstatic that a 12 year old kid got knocked out of a nationally televised game, just because he was wearing his hat in a currently popular (but soon to be regarded as an embarrassing, passing fad) manner. Did I mention I have issues?

I just can’t figure out why I am not married. So weird.

9. You’ll be happy to know the Pepn8rs are currently a mere 5 points out of first place (Our champ is determined by overall points) and 2-0 in Division Play. I bring this up not just to satisfy my uncontrollable ego, but because I’ve noticed that the sun shines brighter, and the flowers smell much more fragrant when my fantasy team is doing well. I have priority issues as well.

10. Some snap FF judgements after just 2 weeks: I am not ready to say LT is done. There was a period when Emmitt was considered to be washed up, but then went on to churn out 4 more 1,000 yard seasons (and just missed another at age 35 after suffering turf toe late in his final season) and of course…a “Dancing With The Stars” crown.

That being said, get yourself some Darren Sproles. Stat (I like to say “stat” because it makes me feel like an important Doctor. And reminds my mother of what could have been)

I’m not ready to drink the Mario Manningham Kool-Aid (Sunday night was impressive, but the G-men were without starter Domenik “I am not a crook” Hixon and 1st rounder Hakeem Nicks) but I am filling up the glass with some Cedric Benson. I would also trade for DeSean Jackson if I could, but my buddy Ray won’t trade him.

(The G.M. of The Chesapeake Big Elk will however see fit to offer him up - along with say Clinton Portis - for Adrian Peterson and Vincent Jackson…and totally believe this would be a good trade for both sides. Hi Ray)

11. (One to grown on) Meredith Grey drives me crazy. Ellen Pompeo is not only the least talented actor among that stellar cast, but - as last night reminded me yet again - her pile of crazy character drives me up the wall (We should probably take into the account this comes from a 40 year old man who hates 12 year old LL posers. Maybe this is why E-Harmony keeps refunding my money)

Essssstraaaaaada!

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The Tuesday 10

September 17th, 2009, 12:14 pm by apepper

Welcome friends to the inaugural “Tuesday 10″, appearing for the first time on ummm…Thursday (Much like the ancient Mayans, me not good with calendars) My apologies for the delay. I could offer up some semi-valid excuses, but instead I will just say that (in the immortal words of Bushwood CC Assistant Greenskeeper Carl Spackler) I was unavoidably detained.

The “Tuesday 10″ is a rapid fire commentary on whatever tickles my fancy: sports, pop cultural related tid bits, religion (Editors note: Religion based comments will not be allowed as TV stations - as a rule - are vigorously opposed to upsetting viewers who own remote controls) and politics are all fair game.

So without further adieu…

1. My mood on Sundays is almost completely based on how well my Fantasy Football team performs. This years Pepn8rs are led by Adrian Peterson and Tony Romo, so as you can imagine, Sunday was a goooooood day. On days like that my girlfriend could walk into the bar holding hands with a group of bearded, leather clad bikers and I would just smile and wave and say “Hi honey! Get home safe!”

On the flip side, I would stab my housekeeper with a trident if I scored 26 points and she forgot to cut the crust off my PB&J. I may have some priority issues (Editors note: Andy does not actually have a housekeeper, or to be completely honest…a house)

2. Wanna get rich? Put a quarter in a jar everytime you watch the late ‘SportsCenter’ and they tell you it’s airing from Los Angeles. Seriously, who cares? Why do they beat this fact to death? It does not impress us or add prestige to the show.

ESPN headquarters are located in Bristol, CT, which was the definition of a dead end town 30 years ago (And judging by the feedback I get from people who work there now, it still ain’t much to write home about) My point is that we don’t care where the heck the show airs from - Lock Haven, Reno, Mattawan, Bedford Falls, Santa Claus, Indiana - it’s shot INSIDE of a studio and we’re gonna watch it.

3. I am wildly and inexplicably attracted to Tatiana, the realtor on HGTV’s “The Property Shop” (That channel is ridiculously addicting. I may not own a house, but I hope to own someday. Probably after I deposit all my ESPN Los Angeles quarters)

4. Kanye West. Biggest…D-bag…ever. I wouldn’t mind if Kanye went swimming less than an hour after eating. Or if he took a drive down the highway with John Candy (”You’re going the wrong way! “How does he know where we’re going?”)

5. So I was sitting at a bar last week, enjoying a low fat cheeseburger AND a pizza (Summer’s over. I don’t have to maintain my girlish figure anymore. Besides, the hottest women are attracted solely to personality. Mother told me so) when I glanced at the TV and saw a CNN graphic that read “The guillotine was last used in France in 1977″. Seriously?!? If I had asked you when you thought the last time the guillotine was used, what would you have guessed? 1878 maybe?! No wonder we make fun of the French (although to be fair - they did hit it out of the park with mayonnaise)

Btw…I wouldn’t mind if Kanye West travelled back in time to France circa 1976 and XXXXXX (Editors note: The end of this sentence has been deleted as this country is currently suffering through a “down economy”, and we are fairly - but not totally - sure Andy wants to keep his job. After much debate however, we have allowed the video)

6. It’s obviously way too early to draw and serious conclusions (”I have a baaaad feeling about this”) but if - on your Fantasy roster - you own L.T., Forte, Steven Jackson, Steve Smith, Warner, McNabb, Deangelo Williams, or any prominent member of the Texans, you’re not feeling so good right now are you? And just for giggles…how many of you lost your Fantasy matchup because Tom Brady went on to throw one more TD and accumulate even more yardage after Leodis (”Wait till Leodis sees us! He loves us, hey Leodis!) McKelvin coughed up that fumble Monday night? And how many of you lost Week 1 when the refs mistakenly ruled Calvin Johnson out of bounds on what should have been a 64 yard TD? As my grandfather once said to me when I was just a young Peppinator, “Hell hath no fury like a Fantasy owner scorned”

7. I am embarrassed for any golf announcer that breathlesly brings us up to speed on the latest Fed Ex Cup standings. Ummm, how should I put this? NO…ONE…CARES…about the Fed Ex Cup standings. The golfers don’t even care about the fake and totally manufactured Fed Ex Cup. I mean, what do you think Stever Stricker would rather have? Five Fed Ex Cups or just one measly 1 major championship?

8. You didn’t want your kid to hear the President of the United States talk about the importance of working hard and staying in school?!?

”Liberal indoctrination”? Really?!? Not everything is red or blue people.

9. I have been a champion of ‘True Blood’ since the beginning, but my god I was disappointed with the last 3 episodes. The 2 leading up to the final episode were stretched paper thin and could easily have been combined into 1, and then the finale was wrapped up in fairly anti-climactic fashion just 30 minutes in. And then we were esssentially given a full 30 minute preview of next seasons story lines. Thanks but no thanks (And - backtracking a bit - how about the Queen’s weak explanation for the Maenad’s immortality? Basically they “believed” they were immortal so they became to be so?!? Wow, that’s some strong writing there!)

10. Awesome Hall of Fame speach Michael Jordan! Stay classy San Diego! (”Thanks for dropping by.” “But mostly, just stay classy”)

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/story?columnist=reilly_rick&id=4477759

What you saw there was the real MJ. If John Gotti was “the Teflon Don”, then Jordan was “The Teflon Superstar”. A man who could pull off a whole litany of misdeeds, seemingly without any ramifications to his immense popularity or public image.

Go to Atlantic City the night before a huge playoff game? No problem!

Have a $52,000 check show up in a dead gamblers suitcase? It’s OK! The NBA condones gambling! (Unless you are a referee who can’t dunk from the free throw line and/or have no significant national endorsement deals)

Agree to an interview with Ahmad Rashad (Btw…feel free to use Joey Tribiani air quotes when describing Ahmad Rashad as a “reporter”) to discuss your alleged gambling issues, yet show up wearing dark sunglasses so no one can see your eyes? It’s cool! That doesn’t make you look at all shady!

And hey, I’m not even gonna mention the fact sucker NBA owners keep allowing him to run their franchises, and he rewards them by spending almost no time in the city he works in, instead choosing to play golf all over the country while he runs their team into the ground. Not that I have any strong feelings about this topic.

And finally…RIP Patrick Swayze. You were the star of two of my Top 10 “Bad movies that I really love” list (”Road House”, ”Point Break”) My only regret is that you weren’t cast in “Oxford Blues”. And that in your final days you weren’t able to emulate Dalton one last time…and drop kick Kanye West.

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“Please get up, please get up, please get up…”

September 11th, 2009, 8:27 am by apepper

If you are a regular reader of this little column (New offering every Friday, with the brand new Mini-me sized “Tuesday 10″ debuting umm….Tuesday) you know that Andy loves himself some Fantasy Football (”The Dream Team”)

In fact I don’t just love Fantasy football, I LOVE Fantasy football. I heart it very much. And when you give your heart to anything - a girlfriend, your camp counselor Chip, that lady in the Whitesnake video,

or that hot girl at the Barnes and Noble who wishes you would “stop coming into the store all the time and then loitering in the parking lot when the store closes because you’re freaking me out a little” - then eventually you’re gonna have your heart broken (No matter how good a reason you have for always being in the parking lot late at night. I mean, it’s a big plaza. I could have been at the Petco, or the Kohl’s. So yeah. Get over yourself. By the way, has anyone seen my Boom Box?)

So to steal a line from the 70’s rock group “Nazareth” (who stole it from Roy Orbison. Who stole it from the Everly Brothers. But I digress) love hurts. And what hurts the most in Fantasy football is when one of your stud players goes buh-bye about 2 weeks into the season.

In my years of FF, I have been pretty fortunate in that regard. I lost Fantasy god Priest Holmes midway through the 2004 season (15 TD’s in 8 games, 27 the season before)

And the very next year I lost Top 5 wideout (12 TD’s, 1382 Yds in ’04) Javon Walker in the opener with a broken leg. So all in all…Not too shabby for 17 years of play.

But my buddy Jeff Tilford (henceforth to be referred to as “Til, Tilly, or Tillman”) has me beat, he has you beat, he has the unluckiest guy in ANY league beat. So how unlucky is he? Let’s just say that Tillman should avoid holding his 3-iron out in the rain.

Tilly’s misfortune began in 1995 (our 4th year) when he took Fantasy monster Steve Young (42 Total TD’s the year prior, 6 more in the Super Bowl. The game may have been televised in your local market) #1 overall. SY however was soon rendered loopy with multiple concussions.

In ‘97 he lost first rounder Jerry Rice. Enough said.

In 1999 he lost #1 overall pic Terrell Davis (36 TD’s the previous two seasons)

In 2001 it was Fantasy beast (Let’s see how many different adjectives I can put behind the word “Fantasy”, shall we?) Edgerrin James who took an early vacation just 6 weeks in.

The very next season Til took Kurt Warner with the 2nd overall pick. KW - coming off a 36 TD season - then began the year with 1 TD pass in 3 games before breaking his finger in Week 4.

Now do me a favor. Go back and re-read the previous 2 paragraphs. In the immortal words of John McEnroe…

Well, now guys like Tilly can at least salvage *something* from their interminable bad luck and subsequent miserable Fantasy season. Their money.

That’s right…a couple of Long Island brokers are actually offering - you’re gonna love this - Fantasy Football INSURANCE. Yes…insurance. (http://www.fantasysportsinsurance.com/)

Think of it just like car insurance. But instead of insuring the always classic - and still very dependable - 2005 Pontiac Grand Am - you’re insuring Adrian Peterson. Or Tom Brady (Don’t bother. He never gets hurt. My friend Sal will not think that is funny. Hi Sal!)

Or perhaps Larry Fitzgerald. You take out a policy on your big gun (”Stop calling your arms guns”) and if said player gets into a high speed, season ending collision with a vicious Ray Lewis like linebacker, then you collect.

Here are the loose parameters: If any of the stipulated top 50 players go down (I don’t know who makes the list, or if it evolves to reflect unexpected Fantasy Studs) for a significant part of the season, and you’ve paid for their insurance, Fantasy Sports Insurance will pay your entry fee back.

In order to collect, you have to select a player (one policy allows you to group three players), pay the insurance –- roughly 10 percent of your entry fee -– and watch that player miss roughly two-thirds of the games with an injury.

So there you go Tilly. You may not have won a title - yet - but perhaps you can get those insurance guys to retroactively cough up some dough for your miserable 2005 season.

I mean, after all - having your first round pick Terrell Owens (2004: 14 TD’s)

to-crazy

suspended for ummm….craziness, AND seeing your 2nd rounder Daunte Culpepper (39 TD’s ‘04) tear his ACL, PCL, and - just for good measure - MCL, was a terrible bit of misfortune.

I told you he was unlucky.

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Workin’ 9 to 5?

September 5th, 2009, 9:02 am by apepper

What is up good people? Welcome to the new and improved, and all sorts of spruced up “Pep Talk”! So what exactly is “new” and “improved” about this column you ask?

Well…ummm….it appears that I am now officially as smart as a 7 year old girl, in that I have finally figured out how to post pictures and YouTube videos. Yes, that’s right…the most technically inept person in the Lower 48 has finally learned how to use his computer. In fact, let me prove it by posting a photo that has nothing at all to do with today’s discussion!

(Long pause while Andy makes a mental note to never, ever go surfing, and then celebrates the completion of his - now rudimentary - picture posting task by pouring himself a sparkling glass of Sham-pon-yuh. The good stuff. Andre Champagne Brut. A treat for the whole family at just $4.99 a bottle!)

I thought that shiny pictures of the beautiful people (Btw…I am currently in the process of bringing the previous 8 columns up to code) would offer a nice diversion to those of you who have complained to my mother, pastor, and City officials that this column is too long. I apologize. I understand how taxing it is to read anything longer than the “Us Weekly” blurb underneath the latest picture of those twin tools Heidi and Spencer.

I mean my god, who has the time to even finish a 160 character Twitter post anymore!

(AP is letting loose with the Bo Jackson like, 3rd person sarcasm because long before he ever dreamed of writing anything longer than a note that said “Do you like me? Check “yes” or “no”, he used to seriously chafe at the B.S. propoganda that - because of video games and MTV - kids of his 1980’s generation didn’t have the attention span for any activity longer than 3 1/2 minutes)

Now, for the 6 percent of you that stayed focused long enough to wade through those terribly long preceeding paragraphs - all the while avoiding the tempation to click over and see what colorful thing the self loathing Perez Hilton wrote on that teen Vampires face - I have some more good news for you.

Fat, lazy Andy has finally come up with a regular schedule for his musings.

After an inaugural summer of semi-regular postings, I am committing to - at the very least - a fresh column every Friday (Depending as usual on whether or not there is a Thursday Happy Hour special anywhere within 27 blocks of my downtown apartment. Not that I have a problem or anything. Did I just finish that bottle of Andre?)

Alright, without further adieu…this weeks hot topic is of course the mess at Michigan.

Since you’re all - at this late date - no doubt familiar with the Free Press allegations…let’s avoid dipping the toe and jump right in.

Where there’s smoke, there’s usually fire. And there appears to be a lot of smoke emanating from Ann Arbor.

If this internal investigation reveals - at the least - that these players were actually practicing/meeting for 8-9 hours a day on Sundays alone - when the NCAA limit is 4 hours per day - then Rich Rodroguez is up the creek without the proverbial paddle.

Because even if it was “just” 8 hours on Sunday, and you add a minimum 3 hours a day for the heavy practice days of Tuesday-Thursday, plus the allowable 4 hours for game day, then that total is already 21 hours (The NCAA weekly limit is 20 hours) and we haven’t even counted any Friday walk throughs, light practices, and/or meetings into that total.

As one ESPN blogger wrote, the issue isn’t whether they went over the allowable 20 hours, the issue is whether they OBLITERATED that weekly allowance on a regular basis.

And if they did blow that total out, while also abusing the 8 hour weekly off season limit (The Free Press maintains strength trainers lied to players about what kinds of conditioning work was counted by the NCAA) then this program is gonna find itself in some serious hot water.

How hot you ask? Well, Michael Rosenberg - one of the reporters who broke the FP story - said on the radio that no two NCAA cases are the same (because the infractions are never completely identical) but that the San Diego State football program was put on 2 year probation in 2003, while also being docked a number of scholarships.

And that could be the unofficial death knell for Rich Rod, considering that A) the program is coming off it’s worst season ever, and B) the majority of the Sarah Palin hating smarty pants media elite believe that this team is in line for another Un-Michigan like 6-6 or 7-5 season.

Personally, I think Rich Rod - staggering under the stress of last years debacle - broke the rules in a well intentioned, but ultimately vain attempt to - in the words of the poet Jim Morrison - break on through to the other side.
And I believe he knows - like a teenager straggling home well after curfew - that he is about to be cold busted.

Why do I believe that? I was at Mondays press conference, and after RR opened the proceedings with an impassioned, emotional, and uninterrupted 15 minutes of speaking, a reporter said “Hey, you just defended yourself, your program, and your coaches, but *you didn’t actually say* you never broke any rules”

And I was immediately struck by the answer Rodriguez gave. Not by what he said, but how he said it. Rich Rod looked down and away, and in a much quieter - and slightly quavering - voice denied that his program broke any rules.

He then spent the next 25-30 seconds or so literally stammering like Vince Vaughn in the movie ‘Anchorman’ (”You know those ratings systems are flawed Burgundy, they don’t take into account houses that have umm…more than two television sets…and other things of that nature”) unable to put together a cohesive thought, as he ramblingly attempted to explain how his players didn’t truly understand NCAA rules and regs.

And if I am right about my Simon Baker (”The Mentalist”) like observations, then we are about to see just how long an attention span the Maize and Blue faithful have for Rich Rodriguez.

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“Please get up, please get up, please get up…”

Workin’ 9 to 5?

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