The Weekly Top 10:
(With a couple of warm leftovers as Andy was unable to meet his self imposed deadline last week. I hate when my job gets in the way of…umm…my job)
1. So what can I say about the now World Champion Yankees that I didn’t say in my last posting? Despite the fact that I am heavily lacking in the attribute known as ”moral fiber”, I am apparently the country’s only Yankees fan who finds it next to impossible to be more than mildly happy that - thanks to their ginormous payroll - the Fightin’ Hideki’s won the series.
In fact, the truth of the matter is, I am more happy that they
didn’t lose - so as to avoid the scorn of a gloating, Yankees hating nation - than I am that they won…which to be frank, is a difficult emotion for me to come to terms with (Note to self…is my therapist still on retainer? Is “crazy” covered under my current health care plan, or do I need to raise my premium?)
Baseball total payroll, 2008 to 2009
| |
| |
Team |
2008 payroll |
2009 payroll |
| Yankees |
$209,081,577 |
$201,449,189 |
| Mets |
$137,793,376 |
$149,373,987 |
| Cubs |
$118,345,833 |
$134,809,000 |
| Red Sox |
$133,390,035 |
$121,745,999 |
| Tigers |
$137,685,196 |
$115,085,145 |
| Angels |
$119,216,333 |
$113,709,000 |
| Phillies |
$98,269,880 |
$113,004,046 |
| Astros |
$88,930,414 |
$102,996,414 |
| Dodgers |
$118,588,536 |
$100,414,592 |
| Mariners |
$117,666,482 |
$98,904,166 |
| Braves |
$102,365,683 |
$96,726,166 |
| White Sox |
$121,189,332 |
$96,068,500 |
| Giants |
$76,594,500 |
$82,616,450 |
| Indians |
$78,970,066 |
$81,579,166 |
| Blue Jays |
$97,793,900 |
$80,538,300 |
| Brewers |
$80,937,499 |
$80,182,502 |
| Cardinals |
$99,624,449 |
$77,605,109 |
| Rockies |
$68,655,500 |
$75,201,000 |
| Reds |
$74,117,695 |
$73,558,500 |
| Diamondbacks |
$66,202,712 |
$73,516,666 |
| Royals |
$58,245,500 |
$70,519,333 |
| Rangers |
$67,712,326 |
$68,178,798 |
| Orioles |
$67,196,246 |
$67,101,666 |
| Twins |
$56,932,766 |
$65,299,266 |
| Rays |
$43,820,597 |
$63,313,034 |
| Athletics |
$47,967,126 |
$62,310,000 |
| Nationals |
$54,961,000 |
$60,328,000 |
| Pirates |
$48,689,783 |
$48,693,000 |
| Padres |
$73,677,616 |
$43,734,200 |
| Marlins |
$21,811,500 |
$36,834,000 |

2. Speaking of cash money: As you may well have heard - the economy ain’t exactly all that good right now in Michigan - which of course affects just how much money the small market Tigers (who amazingly have been whipping out the Discover Card just about as much as their big market brethren) are able to shell out.
But to his credit, Tigers owner Mike Illitch - knowing just how much the success of the team means to the good folks of the Great Lakes state - refused to slash payroll last season. But apparently even Ilitch can only take so much red ink, with word surfacing yesterday that 29 year old All-Star (and huge fan favorite) Curtis Granderson is being made available to gasp…the Yankees (among others)
3. Ok, time for our weekly divergence into the world of Pop Culture. I gotta tell you, thanks to missing last weeks column…I got waaaaaay too much stuff to talk about.
In no particular order:
A) I can’t tell you how pumped I am that Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are co-hosting the Oscars this year. I absolutely loved Martin when he last hosted (”You know there’s a lot of talk about how movies are much too violent. So I took a 10 year old boy to see “Gladiator”. And you know what? He cried and cried the whole movie. And then I realized…it’s because he had no idea who I was”) and Baldwin is flat out one of the great comedic actors there is (Two words for you: Schwetty Balls)
You wanna know what I’m not psyched about? Doubling the number of Best Picture nominees to 10 in the vain hopes that 1 or 2 craptastic pieces of crowd pleasing fare make the cut, so as to boost the ratings. Let me make this clear: there’s a place for movies like “Transformers” to be honored. It’s called the “MTV Movie Awards”.
(I just watched “Transformers 2″ the other night, and I would pay good money to get that 2 plus hours of my life back. And btw…who handled the audio in those movies? Raise your hands if you could hear/understand/comprehend the dialogue in that film? That’s what I thought. And while I’m rolling…I’m only a partial movie snob (According to my therapist I have committment issues) I have always made it a point to watch at least 3-4 of the 5 BP nominees before the actual ceremony, but truth be told…I also love me some well done summer popcorn movies.
“Armageddon” is perhaps my favorite wildly implausible, yet totally engrossing piece of crap movie ever. Tell me you didn’t tear up when Bruce Willis shoves animal cracker boy back in the tube and tells him to take care of Steven Tyler’s daughter, and to give his patch to that Slingblade dude who used to let Brad Pitt’s current wife wear his blood in a vial on her neck. Tell me you didn’t cry, I dare you)
B) Anyone still watch Nip/Tuck? What the heck did Rose McGowan do to her face? She’s only 36 - and looked absolutely gorgeous in “Grindhouse” a couple years ago (not to mention on the cover of Rolling Stone to promote that very movie) but yet chose to have plastic surgery? She looks scarier than Jerry Jones did after his stretch and tug. On the flip side…I just saw the new “Melrose” promos, and how great does Heather Locklear look?!? Is she Dick Clark’s daughter or what? That woman doesn’t age.
I hate (Andy snickers) people like that!
C) Speaking of cosmetic changes, this just in: Sammy Sosa is now umm…white. Seriously, he went full MJ with the skin whitening. Do with that what you will.(If I get started on Sammy and the steroids and the corked bat and his “I forgot how to speak English when appearing in front of Congress” bit, I’ll lose it. Although to be fair, I loved him in “White Chicks”)
4. Weird factoid of the week. The Vikings/Packers game 2 weeks ago was the first ever 38-26 final in the history of the NFL (Who keeps track of this stuff? The guys from “Big Bang Theory”?) This news comes on the heels of last years Chargers/Steelers matchup which ended up being the first 11-10 final ever.
According to the stat dorks (this coming from the guy who has two 3 ring binders of hand written records covering the entire 18 years of his Fantasy Football league) at Pro-Football-Reference. com, the next “never been done” score on their radar is 42-16.
(Btw…random thought…does anyone hold “33″ pools anymore? You know…the game where you throw in “X” amount of dollars with buddies, and then randomly get assigned a different NFL team each week. If your assigned team scores exactly 33 points, you win the pot. We used to play at my old golf course. It was fairly infrequent that anyone won, so the pot would frequently roll over, which meant that every 4-6 weeks or so someone would win a big ole’ chunk of change.
And speaking of gambling, I’m participating in the “Pigskin Picks” contest (straight winners of each NFL game) on our station website. My success with the picks has been so-so, but I am psyched to be - after 9 weeks - still alive in the “Suicide Pool” (You pick one team to win each week. If that team loses, you go bye-bye. If you win, you stay alive another week but can’t pick that team again the rest of the season) My pick this week?
I’ll give you a hint, it’s frickin’ cold there, it’s got a ton of lakes, Prince is from there, it has the only facility ever to host a Super Bowl, World Series, and a Final Four, it’s home to the worldest largest ball of twine, and it’s football team is the Vikings. Other than that, you’re on your own.
5. So one of our FM stations just converted to ESPN radio, which means I finally get to listen to someone other than the dudes on Fox, which as you know from last week’s Jim Rome diatribe - makes me all happy happy joy joy.
I gotta say, I’ve been enjoying me some Scott Van Pelt. That guy is razor sharp, incredibly knowledgeable, and just makes a whole lot of sense every time he talks.
I’m also diggin’ Colin Cowherd who stylistically may not be everyones cup of tea (a subject I know a bit about ;) but is clearly a very, very bright guy (And oh yeah, I think a shout out is deserved for the highly entertaining and informative Steve Czaban, doing his thing bright and early on Fox)
I’ve talked to more than a few guys who think they can do that job, based solely on the fact that they watch a few games a week, catch ESPN nightly, and once hit a three pointer in High School. But the fact is umm…no. They can’t. Not even close.
It’s hard to even quantify the staggering amount of knowledge you need to have stuffed in your noggin if you want to host a national radio show. Now you know me, I hate to brag (snickering once again) but I can tell you that I’ve got a few facts floatin’ around my noggin. I read three papers daily, I go online several times a day, and I’ve been a voracious reader of sports related books and materials (hence my abilities to drop words like ”voracious”) since I was about 8, and yet sometimes…these guys make me feel uhh…what’s the word? Oh yeah…stupid.
Most serious sports fans can talk fairly authoritively about the 3 major team sports (most seem to lack when it comes to hockey) along with golf and tennis, but the top notch radio jocks can rap - on a dime - about some serious minutia…anything from horse racing, to the Hartford Whalers, to the “Hand of God” (I actually knew that one. Gold star for Peppy) Hobie Baker, Hank Greenberg, Hayden Fry, Hofstra, and Hagler vs Hearns (I like alliteration. It’s shiny)
That fountain of knowledge is not just impressive, frankly - it’s also somewhat emasculating considering that I would like to one day dip my toe into the sports talk pool (”He’s not a member grandma, heeeeee’s a caddy”)
6. Other Pop cultural related things that I really liked/noticed this week:
A. That Miller Lite commercial spoofing E-Harmony. I actually thought it was a dating commercial the first time I saw it (And speaking of commercials, me also likey the Toshiba one where the girl knows nothing about football, and then 3 weeks later is a genius and starts mocking her bf for his lack of knowledge. Of course, I’m so odd I want to own every “This is Sports Center” commercial ever shot on DVD. “The gate is narrow”)
B. I saw “Paranormal” recently. Spooky stuff! I was so scared I dropped Hershey Bars in my jeans at the end (Let’s pretend I didn’t admit that. Ear muffs!)
C. Sordid confession: I’ve actually been thinking about watching Fox’s “Glee” because of all the glowing reviews/positive feedback that have come my way (Let’s also pretend I didn’t say that) The problem is I’m afraid I’ll have to turn in my man-card at the nearest man-depot if I get caught with it on the Tivo (Ummm…I was uhh…holding it for a friend?)
D. So, I was doing a little channel surfing last week and saw the breathtaking Ivanka Trump on Campbell Brown (No point really. I just wanted to give the illusion that I’m smart and watch CNN. Plus I’m a dude.)
I then flipped back to MNF and saw the very beautiful wife of Tony Gonzalez (October Gonzalez) in a halftime feature, which got me thinking: just how many beautiful women are named after months of the year, and if I could come up with one for each month, perhaps there could be a corresponding calendar?
(Yes, these are things I ponder. And you wonder why it takes me 3 days to write one of these columns. One minute I’m happily writing, the next I have a stupid thought like that and I’m googling away for nearly 2 hours, trying to find a famous woman named “December”)
I mean, just last week I was raving about January Jones (who is hosting SNL this week) and now all of a sudden I see a woman named “October” on television? This is fate people. I’ve just found my next project. (Sadly this means I’m gonna have to table - for the time being - my groundbreaking work on the first ever emotional Ponzi scheme)
7. Now that I have proven myself to be…what’s the clinical term? Oh yeah…a “pig” (or as some call it…”male”) by extolling the virtues of the aforementioned women based solely on their physical beauty, let me take dead aim at a couple of other provocative “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” topics.
I just read about the divorce of CBS announcer Jim Nantz (”Hello, friends”) from his wife of 26 years.
It seems that Nantz (who I should point out didn’t cheat on, or abuse his wife in any manner) must pay his wife $72,000 in monthly alimony until she remarries or he dies. Seriously? Until she remarries? (Different inflection) Seriously?
(Now before I go any further, I want to be completely honest and tell you that - by and large - this isn’t a man/woman issue for me. I once watched some program on celebrity divorces, and was incensed when I saw what a prominent morning newswoman - my memory is shaky here, Jane Pauley maybe? - had to pay her dead beat husband after divorcing)
The reason this bothers me so much is that divorce laws are in many ways ( in my humble opinion) incredibly archaic. Why exactly is any woman (or man for that matter) who marries into money entitled to live la vida loca the rest of her life on their spouses dime? You want to divide assets fairly? Absolutely. I’m on board. Child support. Of course! But why is the man expected to support the woman until she remarries (and in the exact - Re: lavish - manner she grew accustomed to during the marriage?) What the law is essentially saying with that stipulation is that a woman can’t take care of herself. Because that was the case when many of these divorce laws were passed.
(Editors note: Ummm…Andy…gettin’ a little concerned here. What’s your point?
AP: Well, this is (largely) a sports column, right?
Editor: Yes…
AP: Well, I’m uhh…discussing the battle of the sexes. Is that not a sport? I’m umm…gonna bring this all full circle to that whole blowup between Terrell Owens and Joanna Krupa this summer on “Battle of the Stars”. I might even include Gloria Gaynor in this discussion, and talk about why women lose their stuff and start bawling and hugging each other everytime her song “I will survive” plays at a bar.
Editor: (Deep sigh. Long pause. Great hesitation) I’ll allow it.
AP: (Plowing on with no intention of complying with previous lie, I mean minor falsehood)
But as we all know, that is complete and utter bull! Women don’t need taken care of by the big, strong man. This is a different age. This is 2009, not 1909. Women not only vote, they run for President (and nearly win) they run companies, they buy homes, they adopt - and raise - babies all on their own. They are women, hear them roar. Women today are every bit the equals of men (except in the highly competitive fields of you know…weight lifting and stand up comedy)

Alright, this brings me to the expectations of dating. Why exactly are men expected to open doors and pay for everything? Answer: Because of the long standing laws of chivalry. But when were those laws formulated? Umm….medieval times. A time when - correct me if I’m wrong - women didn’t have jobs, didn’t run 4 1/2 minute miles, didn’t finance a Volkswagon Passat all by their lonesome, didn’t anchor the network news (to be fair though, tv reception was spotty at best in those days. And you could only watch so much jousting, moat jumping, and gauntlet running before getting bored) and didn’t have to wear actual, real chastity belts.
So I guess my altogether innocent - but very valid - question is, why have these traditions survived when the conditions in which they were established have altogether vanished?
Now, don’t get me wrong - when I meet a great girl and I get the butterflies in the stomach - I want to open doors, I want to take her out, and I want to pay (No supersizing. Dessert extra) I think the rest of my single men (if she likes it, she can put a ring on it) would agree with me on that point.
But what drives guys nutso is when girls abuse that expectation. I mean, I read in the “Guy Handbook” that a great rite of passage for women is that magical day when Mom teaches her teenage girl how to - when the bill comes at the conclusion of a dinner date - appear as convincing as Meryl Streep as she pretends to reach into her purse for her wallet (even though
all she has in said oversized purse is lip gloss, a cell phone, and a can of hair spray) while offering to pay for her half of dinner on Date #6 (Editors note: Andy is saying this with a smile. Just in case some nice ladies don’t understand the concept of dry humor or mock outrage, and feel the need to write one of those e-mails that often nearly get him fired. God I hope he gets fired)
And don’t get me started on girls who hustle drinks at the bars.
(Editors note: I want to stop him, I do, but as I just said…)
Andy really wants to have a beautiful daughter someday, but if I find out that little December Charlize Pepper is asking guys to buy her drinks, I will blow…like…Vesuvius (Seriously ladies, I know that men aren’t exactly a box of chocolates - and I will gladly take return fire on our many pathetic shortcomings - but for my money, asking a guy to buy you a drink is the quickest way to show that you’re not gonna be meeting the parents. I was out with an ex recently, when her sister - who has never bothered to ask me word one about myself - actually asked me if I wanted to buy her and her friend - who I had never met - a drink (Mixed drinks of course! Wow, didn’t see that one coming) Suuuuuuure! Let me get right on that! (I should now point out that the benefit of having less than 40 regular readers is that I also have very few parameters. God I hope I have a job tomorrow)

8. Today’s ESPN online poll question: Tom Brady or Peyton Manning? Who would you take? Hands down, I’ll take Brady. Why? Because while Manning may be the best there is in what I’ll call - for lack of a much better term - a ”controlled situation” (No real pressure, his wide receivers running extremely precise routs, the defense showing exactly what they showed on film) he’s not exactly fabled for handling a great pass rush, or for his 4th quarter comebacks (despite what one online column I found asserts:
http://www.pro-football-reference.com/blog/?p=3401 )
Brady is Joe Cool in the clutch, particulary in the postseason. Just off the top of my head there was the snowy comeback against the Raiders in “the tuck rule” game, and not one, two, but three memorable 4th quarter drives in the Super Bowl. The first two led to wins over the Rams and Panthers, and the late drive against the G-men (TD pass to Moss) would have won the game as well if not for that incredible (but altogether fluky) play involving helmet boy David Tyree. Case closed. I need to be on “Sports Nation”.
9-10. (Yeah, I’m way too long as usual…here’s a hodge-podge of random thoughts - presented in blurb form - that caught my eye)
Good to see Mike Tyson is back…in custody (”Papa…Papa-razzi!)
As bad as things are for Rich Rod at Michigan, they could be…so…much…worse.
Michigan’s 5 victories are against 1-AA Delaware St. (enough said) 4-6 Western Michigan, Notre Dame (Terrible 4th quarter clock management by Weis) Eastern Michigan (0-10) and Indiana (very questionable turnover call goes U of M’s way late in 4th) Martina and Marat Safin need to shut it about Agassi’s drug confession (it was cathartic, not a cash grab) Is the Sprint Cup season over yet? (36 races? February to November? Seriously?? On purpose?)
Stephen King is back in a big way (more on that next week) My god the Celtics - even minus Big Baby right now - look really good, my Fantasy Football team is startin’ to rock (which means life is really good with me) now all I need is a woman (I’m single by the way. Just got broken up with in a text. Is that better or worse than a Post-It? Just curious. No worries, I’ll get by. Thank you Gloria Gaynor!) that will let me name my future daughters “February” and “December”. Seems reasonable to me!
(Editors note: I just checked. Good news…”crazy” IS in fact covered under our current plan)
Gotta run! I’m gonna go grab a Miller Lite and check E-Harmony for potential mates!